Measure In Love

Fittingly, I watched RENT the whole way through for the first time last night, and yes I did just capitalize each letter like a noob. And yeah, I loved everything about it. La vie boheime. But it made me think about this year as a whole, so I spent most of my morning recovering from three hours of sleep trying to figure out what the hell this year was.

It was basically like a giant 'what the actual fuck' moment except it lasted 365 days.

First half of the year was basically calm, till the rug was ripped out from under me. I learned to watch who I trusted, and then had my reputation basically sent whirling out of control for two weeks. I nearly lost a best friend, though I'm pretty sure my damage was permanent.

The summer, however, was perfect. It was long and hot and...sounds alot like sex. Pretty sure that's what it feels like. It was great, definitely the best time of the year.

By the time freshman year started, I was already being thrown head over heels into a hurricane. I was spun around, forced so far down, and then shot back up so many times, my body finally gave out a couple weeks ago. I've got a pretty bad sinus infection that was brought on from weeks of working my ass off at school and stressing over homework and him and then going out Friday and Saturday night...barely sleeping and then starting the week all over again. That had gone on for three months...and finally it all just crashed down upon me.

But I've come out of it, and on this last day of 2010, through all the heartbreak and drama and mistakes, I stand here with no regret. I've had a great time, some of the best memories, made some of the greatest friends. And most of all I have loved, the greatest thing I can possibly accomplish. Whether I was loved back equally as I loved others is to be questioned for some people. I know people love me out there, and, really, I love you guys. The people who have stuck with me through this year and who have been picked up along the ride are the ones who matter.

So, in love, I've given myself to everyone around me, whether they know it or not, I do love everyone. But my resolution for next year is to learn to love myself, for real this time - not letting a pretty, green-eyed boy catch me off gaurd - and breathe the freedom and care of those around me. I will shine outwards, love the world around me, and stop the co-dependence.

With the help of my friends,this year has been beautiful in love.

It may not be the kind of love you're looking for, but you have to be grateful for what you've been given, which is always just what you need.

Hello, freedom, I've never been a friend of yours, but I'd like to get to know you. Hello, new year, I'm nervous to begin again, but glad to start over.
Hello, self, I've missed you, and I'm ready to get to know you better.



We are beautiful, no matter what you say.

"Poprocks and Coke" Green Day

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll

Stronger

Well, hello there new girl who you seem to adore so. She follows you like a lost puppy. She doesn't know you. As you act all victimized and hurt and 'oh woe is me lonely boy with a crazy ex' you've found yourself a...lovely new young woman. I do wish you well....somehow I keep telling myself I do, but you have just set yourself up to fail. Goodbye all care for you. Screw yourself over and stop acting like it was my fault.

Fuck you.



The irony of all the X-Tina songs that narrate this is intense. I'm glad no one has found this blog sometimes. My secret little child. Stay safe.

Peace, love, and rock n' roll.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to everyone out there. I hope you're all save, and lovely, and warm and happy. And that you always will be.

However, I must self-indulge myself again and post this like every other woman who has had a guy step all over their faces.

YOU OUGHTA KNOW!
Phsychotic ex-girlfriend has stricken again.

I wish you well, I don't really mind, but this..you really oughta know of the mess you left when you went away. I don't want attention. I want you to know.


As numerous women have said before, the first verse of this is freakishly accurate...it's funny how low men go after you leave them. What a shame. She's almost like me, except...completely not good enough for you. shrug.

Dancing at Discos

Two days before Christmas I realize how much peace I am finding within myself. I've got to find the colors and lights within myself, not because others think I'm vibrant or bright. Breathing through my nose is also something that I'll never take for granted...chest colds+life long asthma=not fun.

Hhowever, I'm finding some comfort in the music around me, the happiness of Christmas, and my friends. And "Merry Happy" by Kate Nash



Don't tell me that you didn't try to check out my bum, I know that you did, cause your friend told me that you liked it... Don't try and tell me you didn't love me, I know that you did, because you said it and you wrote it down.

There are a million things I could hate because of him, and there was a time when I thought I would.
I could never use chapstick
I could cry through Fiddler on the Roof
I could never go back to Ross Park Mall
I could never listen to Blink-182 again and cry whenever "I Miss You" comes on the radio
I could forever hate hazel/green eyes
I could never buy that obese golden retriever we wanted
I could never wear my cat ears I bought for you again
I could never wear the pair of jeggings you nearly fucked up.
I could never trust again.
I could never smile again.
I could never love again.

But I refuse to let myself fade like that. I am determined to be happy and be strong and hopefully to love again. I will not let you take me under.

Sitting at restaurants, thought we were so grownup, but I know that we were not the people that we turned out to be. Chatting on the phone, can't take back those hours, but I won't regret because I know you can grow flowers from where dirt used to be.

I guess you just have to learn to let your broken heart be a sign that you loved, took a chance, and lived. All you can do is rebuild. Life is too short to waste crying over spilled....milk? or stupid boys....or both...thank you for the ability to get stains out of jeggings. On that note, hope everyone is in the holiday spirit. Christmas, heck yes! I am excited and you should be too. Just because.

Boredom

Blogging in school is definitely cool. The day before winter break is completely pointless...other than for masses of candy canes and presents. Phone just went off...probably another pocket dial. Uber rawr. Sickness isn't fun but presents and hats are.

Change Is Hard.

I Hate Compliments

Ice

Splits every crack in the pavement

After we’ve rolled the dice

My soul’s been trapped in enslavement

It burns every part of me

The way your hands used to

Somehow the pain I wish you’d see

Or maybe for it to suffocate you

So I can hear your breath choke

The way your voice used to

With the moan my lips could only provoke

But

My Sweet Angel Dear,

Your green eyes soften me so

That the hurt must disappear

The way I used to blow

For I don’t want you, no

I need to hold every part

And never let go

Unless to rip out thy heart

So

I can shred it to shatters

And watch you cry

The way you used to be all that matters

So you can die

Always by my side

Buried in this grave, ‘Twould suffice

Layered in century’s of Ice

My heart creates scary things when I hurt....This was my final release. The last tear I'll cry for him, the last hour of sleep lost. I've just let it go. A new lady has already stricken his boyish 'heart' while I have found some form of Christmas spirit. Plus, I asked Santa for some happiness this time around. I'm sick and tired of this man PMS drama, so I'm running as far away from this as I can.

"Change is Hard" She and Him -

Btw, blogger format ruined the pretty structure of the poem...it looked better before.

Goodbye, Sweet Decadance

We're lost it all, the love is gone. And we had magic, and this is tragic, you couldn't keep your hands to yourself. I feel like our world's been infected, and somehow you left me neglected. We found our live's been changed. Babe, you lost me.

Funny how that song cuts a little too close to home. Well, as everything that settles can settle and I attempt to rebuild my grades to no avail, everything is just spiralling out of control...far too fast for me to notice I've been gone.

And I will stand by you like a toy soldier. Prop me up, set my hands just right to pull you up out of where you have fallen. No matter how many times you've knocked me down.

But I've got to move forward, I can't sit here and let myself sink any lower. I owe it to the people around me not to be a mobile rain-cloud all the time. I'll work for the people around me, until I can rebuild myself...right...that may never happen again. Ah, well. Too much going on to sit in a bath of self-pity all night.



And we were sweet, but you chose lust when you decieved me, and you'll regret it, but it's too late. How can I ever trust anyone again?

The Point of It All

But it's better to spend your life watching life change at a comatose rate then to put yourself in it and become one of those cigarette ads that you hate.

Though it seems I'm ungrateful, I've never been so thankful for the beautiful friends I have. Thank you guys for all the support you have given me while I wallow in his wake. I love all of you. And plan on me pulling you out of every hole you may stumble into in the future.

Oh, but no one can stare at the wall as good as you my baby doll. And you're racist for playing along. You're almost human after all. Why on Earth would I keep you locked up in here, when you so love the fall. Well, the patterns laid out on the bed with hundreds of colors of thread, but you've got the needle I guess that's the point in the end.

Amanda Palmer may is one of the best song writers ever. Hands down. I can't even begin to explain how much I love her and am fascinated by her work. All the words cept my middle paragraph belong to her.

The Dog Days Are Over

It's hard to describe why people hang onto things that aren't theirs. It's hard to explain why I can't let his face fade from my mind. It's hard to explain how much I want to see him and hold him yet feel like he deserves a slap of "Are you plain dumb?"

No matter where life goes, how many smiles I fake, how much I laugh, how many new shoes I buy, how many pounds I loose, how good I may look one night, will never bring him back. And it seems as if I may never be as happy as before, never find my high, and never love anyone nearly as much. I may be okay again, but never like I was for the last three months.

I sound ridiculous, immature, silly even. I killed him with kisses, my love, my heart, my everything...there is little of me he doesn't have, and nothing I wouldn't have let him hold. And for three months I was pretty sure he'd do the same for me.

Then, one evening, it all ripped out from under my feet.

Isn't that always how it happens?

So now I wear these marks as a badge, some form of proof that it hadn't been a beautiful nightmare, that I was 'loved' by whatever twisted definition of love he has. I'll never be the same, always hiding my marked soul away, in fear of being found out. My head spins more every second, my body out of control, my heart in shatters.

And I'd give the world just to see him smile, watch him laugh, hear him talk one more time. I always will yearn within the caverns of my heart for him.

Someday in the future, I'll be in a theater, eyes wide and full, vide of all the sparkle you gave them, watching you move on that screen, hear your voice, and watch you smile. I hope you'll make it, even if I sit there crying or silenced in missing you as I am now. However, there is a part of me that prays you'll get up for your biggest audition, hear a song drift in the window that reminds you of me, and you burst into huge mother fucking tears and bawl your eyes out, wishing I'd hold you once more, the way I have been for the past week.

But I know you've forgotten me already.

What Can You Do With a Sentimental Heart?

If I had words to describe whatever is happening, I would. But nothing makes any sense, but hundreds of songs, lines, and melodies mixed around in my head.

Write it off as another one who's killed me, but this was different. And I know that.

Cried all night till there was nothing more, what use am I as a heap on the floor?

Sweating All Your Blood

Breathe for love tomorrow


Hope is not a word I've ever understood, in order to protect myself from being let down. Now more than ever, all I can do is wait, close my eyes tight, and breathe. If you only cared.

I climb I slip I fall, reaching for your hand, but I lay here all alone, with my undying love.

Didn't I, My Dear?

I have officially fucked things up with my own insecurity.

And I know I won't be taken back.

I'm the only one to blame, no tears will bring him back, no words, no time, no nothing. And because I didn't love myself. I've been damned by my own words.
I could never apologize enough, or fix this. It seems so mellowdramatic as most of things involving myself become. Sorry isn't enough.

Vide of purpose, vide of life, vide of heart. I wish I could say goodbye, but I'd rather disappear.

Sweet Darlin'

And I'm late again! These posts are getting so thin and far between...it's frightening. And suddenly Thanksgiving has gone and past! Family and food and whatnot, until I puked my guts out. And then lay pathetically on the freezing bathroom floor for a good hour. Fun.

Not much to say, still trying to hold on to my confidence-trust mantra, it's alot easier said than done. My expectations are far too high to ever hit realistic, so I'll turn away from my phone and listen to some music.

Good plan, until every damn song reminds me of you.

Ahh, the first snow fell again this morning. It was a frightening site, all windy and blustery as if my memories of flip flops and the pool blew away right before my eyes. Sickening, I remembered how much I absolutely hate the cold, almost as much as I hate being alone. The combination of both just makes me wanna start puking again.

My Christmas list this year is quite short, and reads as the following:

You
You
You
and then you all over again.

I can't ask for more than you. Merry Christmas, I could care less! This will be a miserable season, if I don't get to be with you that much. It hurts enough as it is going this entire damn break and only seeing you once.

These posts are becoming personal letters addressed to you know who. Child never reads this so meh, who gives a fuck?

Song of the Day: Mariah Carey just got pwned in the large face by My Chemical Romance on this one.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll

Jar of Hearts

Hello, it's so nice to see you here!

Well, I feel a bit guilt for leaving this blog for a month. I'm not quite sure what happened, but whenever I tried to write, nothing came out right. Not to mention, it was all me radiating happiness, without anything else to say because nothing else was on my mind.

For the last month, it's been a whirlwind of work and whatever the hell else has been going on. Living on this week to week basis has made everything go so quickly, I didn't even have a chance to breathe. Thankfully, I've made it to a break, one and a half days, so I stopped for a second to look around.

And I've had another crack, when it all came together, and I realized what's been missing. Why I can't trust. I've got to trust myself and believe in myself, and love myself before I can ever love another. I knew this before, but didn't see the effects till a few weeks ago. I push the ones I care about the most because I don't think I'm worth their love. I sit there, suspicious, questioning every compliment (tehe), not believing where you say you are only because I don't think I'm worth your honesty. The paranoia has to end. I've got to grow above hating myself, and accept who I am, so I can put it all outwards, give you my everything.

Why am I writing in second person?

Anyway, I've got to heal. I want to be happy, and if you're what that means, then I'll take it, but no one else can heal me. It's something I've got to do.

How is the question.

How do I trust again? Close my eyes, and hope blindly it's all real? I was never that naive, even as a child. It's not faith, if I use my eyes, so...heregoesnothin...trust. I deserve your honesty. I deserve your love. And it's all I can think about, but I've got to rework my balance. You said, "Remember." So I am. I'll always remember what you said to me, and it keeps me pushing through all the suspicion, which is completely uncalled for, and all the loneliness. Just one more week.

It's all I can do to love myself, so I can send it outwards. I hope it will happen. I'll have to make it happen.

But I am happy, and am looking at a three day weekend! Gonna spend it with my friends and have a kick ass time. Squee. I'll take one deep breath, clear my mind, and remember.

On a side note, I'd post homecoming pictures if there weren't other people in them...and I'd feel like a pedo posting other people on here. The pictures are all hilariously bad or awkward other than a few. Even in those my face is so made up it looks ridiculous. Ah, well, I had a fantastic night, even if it wasn't perfect, I don't think it could have been better, if that makes sense.

Song of the Day: "Lucky" by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat. Don't ask why, I've never been too fond of either of them, but this song caught my ears. I do feel like the luckiest girl.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll

Here (In Your Arms)

Well, I really don't want to tackle my mountain of essays. So I thought I'd leave you a short little summary of my life. Lately, it's been madness, spazz, and simply living for the nearest Friday. I can make it! So while my heart is in Ohio(Hawthorne Heights reference, anyone?) I've been sitting here blaring random music. Very random music. "Drive All Night" by Springsteen is eternally jammed in my head, along with "Fire" which is just perfectly sexy. And then there's my obsession with the new My Chemical Romance song...but nothing quite sums up life better, or more frighteningly than the following song:

Katy Perry "Peacock" Warning: This song is highly disturbing. And this is coming from the girl who blares Blood on the Dance Floor. C'mon baby, lemme see what you're hiding underneath. Don't be a shy kinda guy, I bet it's beautiful. Yes, the lyrics are so horrifying the song has lodged iteslf in my brain. And traumatized me. Thanks Rach...I wake up in the middle of the night with flashbacks. It's times like these I thank God furniture and walls can't speak.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' roll

Here I Go Again.....

Bonjour, bonjour! Loves to all!
Life has been oddly nice. Though I've been crushed under mountains of essays and studying and essays, damnit all I do is write pointless essays, I digress. Anyway, other than school being a nuissance, things haven't been bad. If I can distract myself away from my stress, which I'm getting reaaallly too good at, I'm in a perfectly fine mood.

And it seems that as I look back on this blog post, the only thing I can think of is moving forward. I'll just keep on walking, numb my past as it fades away, and let the future stand far off. I've been thrown right back into a tail spin of emotions, and I'm pretty sure if I keep spinning, I'll just fall right into your arms.

Cheese. I love thee.

Summer's picked its feet up and run away, leaving a chilly breeze and leaves slowly beginning to crunch. October? already? It's a bit frightening and overwhelming. Last night I saw the stars shine just like they did out my window in the summer. I was freezing, lack of insulation leaving my shaking in a hoodie and skinny jeans, but things warm up fairly quickly around here if you're in good company.

I'm not sure what's going on, but I like it. A lot. I like it so much, that I'm exploding with happiness to the point that I can no longer sleep. I just wake up and smile, and dance around my room. Family thinks I'm high. Friends know that I'm high. Short and sweet today, stay lovely.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll
Song of the Day:

Are You Feeling This?

So I failed to post in a few weeks. I went on vacation, started school, and then got vacuumed into this giant blackhole of homework and some new friends. I should be writing an English essay for Dolphin's class, and, yes, my English teacher is named after a sea creature.

First of all, vacation was utterly fantastic. Bar Harbour was great, beautiful, and set as if fall had already began to take over. Went on a whale watch and saw about 6 whales right off of the boat. You could hear every one of them exhaling and inhaling. And then the ride back was frigid and windy and I almost fell down about ten times, but a nice guy from Washington D.C. kept catching me. Convenience. We went to a country club right next to the ocean. I soaked in the hot tub and slept on a lounge chair. Definitely woke up feeling like P. Diddy. Or Obama, apparently his family went to the same place when they were in Bar Harbour. Swanky. We chilled with the family, celebrated my cousins birthday, and finally left early in the morning to go to NYC. We spent an entire day driving, and taking the train into the city. And, yeah, I felt like a movie star stepping out of Penn Station with my black Wayfarers on.

I've never seen so many people in my entire life. Getting out of the taxi and stepping into Times Square, it was as if the entire population of Wexford just emptied out and walked the streets. An entire world of cultures just milled about, taking pictures, running across streets, strutting in gorgeous clothing. Though it sounds obvious, the fashion there is so much more alive. I'd have a lot more fun dressing there than here. Then, of course, there was the food. I didn't eat a bad thing the entire time we were there. Even the concierge at the hotel wasn't bad! We ate every five seconds, trying to taste the food from every section of the city. Italian food was unbelievable. I gorged myself on pasta. Yay carbohydrates!

We crossed almost all of Manhattan in two and a half days. We must have walked over 60 blocks in one day. Hence my blisters. China town, Little Italy, Soho - and the purchase of a couture coat that I'm very much in love with - Times Square, The Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, Battery Park, Ground Zero, Central Park, Fifth Avenue, the Plaza. It was expensive to practically step into the Plaza. A glass of wine, a pot of hot chocolate, a cheese sampler platter - thanks to mom - water, and $100 later I was charmed and amazed by the entire thing. I know that if I were ever to visit or live there by myself, I'd never be able to live so extravagantly. By the time I left, I was in love, and flying over the city, I knew I'd have to return. I'm thinking NYU has just made it to the top of my college list. It's my only motivation to push myself in High school and right this freaking essay.

High School...well it is where dreams go to die. As long as I have my friends, work hard, and ignore the classes where I know basically no one, I'll be fine. It's a bit harder than you'd think though. Of course the biggest explosion of drama lately has been Homecoming. I've been avoiding the topic as of late, until I couldn't stand the thought of it and began ranting. Now maybe I have a date...that I asked because I'm impatient like that. And it's my homecoming, not his. Yeah, I'm that weird type of girl that will buy a guy a drink at a bar and make the first move. I know what I want. Hehe. Slut comment of the day! Really the only thing I'm excited about this is being with my friends, getting glammed up, and dancing. This slow dancing middle school awkwardness needs to end now.

Anyway, I've been on this high that I can't shake. It's only fueled by music, mass amounts of nevershoutnever and a new mix cd Ms. Feeler gave me. Might explode. My face hurts from smiling. My lips hurt from smiling....just from smiling right. *hinthint* Really the only people reading this already know. Smile, people, smile.

Peace, Love, and Rock n'Roll
Song of the Day: Blink "Feeling This" The video for this song speaks for itself.

Not Like I Used to Be

So any average scene-indie-emo kid would speak of dreams, wanting to move to a big city live in a crap apartment with their partner in crime, a lifelong boyfriend or a best friend, work in a crappy coffee shop job while supporting their band, or novel, or art gallery. And yes, just maybe I'd always wanted this...my fun beginning where I'll meet indie-dark-haired-mucisian charming prince man and have my own little family with a fence and a dog and two kids, Ryden and Cassandra. Yes, I have planned that out. Only this is because the dream supports my own moral, or belief, or whathaveyou, that love is the only thing that will ever matter. I don't want money, which I'd need to find that apartment in NYC and to fund my eclectic wierdo expensive fashion taste; I just want my best friends and husband and kids.

Which I've said before, but I have to keep reminding myself. And I'll let it prop me up against all the fame and beauty I could be jealous of. But having a guy is not all that matters. I've got my friends and family to love, and that's okay. When the right guy presents himself, right is the key word in that sentence, there have been plenty unwanted presents, I'll just lick it up like icing on a cake. That wasn't supposed to be sexual. But it really, really sounded that way. Fail. But I'm happy with this, and apparently this is the happiest I've ever been, like my father said. I hope you can find it, too.

The reason for this post is because, wait for it....drumroll I'm going on vacation tomorrow! Here the angel choir sing! Flying to Boston, driving to Bar Harbour, taking the train to New York City. I will be reading, if I can find my book, and listening to music through my obnoxiously large Skull Candy headphones. It's all about the aesthetics for a bit here.

This week has been incredible. My birthday on Monday was amazing. Ms. Feeler and my other wife went to the zoo, and ate cake, and Ms. Feeler 'Spencer Smithed' up the hill. We have officially freaked out the neighbors too many times. Then, I had a bunch of my girls over Friday night. We went to see Scott Pilgrim. As surreal and trippy as it was, Trippin on Balls, I enjoyed it. But as the weekend came in, everyone went home, Ms. Feeler went to Vermont, and I'm exhausted to no end. And I still need to pack.

Mostly, I just miss Ms. Feeler. To a ridiculous amount. We didn't go more than 5 or 6days this summer without seeing each other this summer. 9 might kill me. I might have to storm her family on our way to Maine. We'll just make a left turn and end up in Vermont....right. We're definitely a married couple. Deal with it!




On a side note, jealousy over celebrity crush girlfriend hate thing needs to end. I just watched a video of Brendon Urie dedicating a song his girlfriend and there was HATE in the comment section. Okay, girls, as much as we love him, please realize that you will never, ever date him, or have a chance. It's something that crushes a million teenage girls a year, but even the Jonas girl freaks get it eventually. He's happy, they're adorable together, that's all that needs to be said. Brendon Urie happy, is basically all that matters. And he and Spencer churn out another goddamn record. I'm getting impatient.

Anyway, Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll. Love you and talk to you in a week.

Song of the Day: "Three Little Birds" covered by Bden.

Becoming Who We Are

Bonjour, bonjour, how are you darlings? Or the two to three people who read this. Ah, well. So my summer is just about winding down, next week full of orchestra camp, my birthday tomorrow, bonfire, something Friday, and then two days till vacation. I'm quite excited. We're going to Bar Harbor, which is totes where the Obama's went on vacation, and then spending 3 days in New York City.

Leaving Pittsburgh is....great. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate the place, but I want to see bigger, better, less Steeler-centric things. I want to travel the world, see what I've been missing in this bubble. And I've always wanted to go to NYC. Not to mention I have some new sexy Guess jeggings to wear, which I might be in love with.



So I was going to attempt to say something epic as it's my last blog of being 14, but there is nothing. Other than I've had one of the best years of my life, finally found some place and fun and happiness. And the friends that matter more than anything in the world to me. They made this year and I hope they all know how much I love them. I haven't accomplished a ton, other than academics and violin solos. I've just experienced more, seen more, felt more, loved more. My eyes are open, my heart is open, my head is full and it's been pretty great looking back on it. There weren't any tragedies, nothing dramatic enough to kill my mood forever, and for that I'm grateful. I have more than I could've ever hoped for.

Cheers to another year of my life, 15 bitches!
*coughCHAUNCEYcough* ahem, I have a sore throat, my apologies. hehe

Song of the Day: There isn't one song to sum up what has happened, only an entire explosion of music running through my mind, but it can't be orchestrated into one song. So, maybe just for my future trip, "New York City Serenade" This song is one of the most beautiful I can think of.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll

Musical Madness

I could get used to this, friends and parties and pool and texting and talking all the time...interspersed with practicing and reading for summer reading, which is taking a ridiculously long time. I'm on panic cramming mode, but I have so much else going on I'm just zoning out to music to take a breather.

So....more Nevershoutnever. This song fits now. I'm turning fifteen in five days. Between the Taylor Swift song compared to this, it is quite entertaining. This is my fifteen, loves. Can't love Chris too much more. So what he might be a pot smoking jerk? pshhh:

Hey Monday "I Don't Wanna Dance" This is a message to all creepers/pedos. I don't wanna dance, I just wanna have fun, and you're not the one. Get yo hands off me. Yes I said yo.

The Brobecks "Love at First Site" Could it be love at first sight or should I walk by again? That pretty much says it all.

Panic! at the Disco's cover of Radiohead's "Karma Police" Yeah, yeah, yeah it can't compare to the original, something just comforts me in Brendon Urie's voice, so I'm posting this one. This song speaks for itself.

And, finally, Beyonce "Check On It" I love this song, and it's confidence and beyonce's beautiful voice and just her beautiful self make this song gold. Check on me tonight.
On that note, Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll

All the Pretty Girls

Sooo....I really don't want to do my summer reading packet right now. i just finished my first book and have two more to read in less than a month. Holy crap. It's cram time, btiches. The five hour train ride from Boston to NYC this summer actually sounds really helpful. I'll just sit there with my earphones shoved in my head blaring my music. Which will probably be New York City Serenade, Empire State of Mind, or Jungleland. And yes, I like the music to be a soundtrack of my life.

Tonight I'm distracting myself with Brendon Urie picspam. I've already stayed up all night goofing off with my friends mindlessly. And often we end up watching random band videos. Why? Because a video of Brendon Urie air thrusting midsong is better than feasting on more goldfish and watching Teen Mom.

If I sat here and posted all my favortie videos and pictures of him I'd be here all night. So I won't. All I know is that they're sadly not playing new stuff in China, as Zach said on LJ, but for the love of god throw us a freakin bone here! GAhhhhhh. Mother truckin long time for an album early 2011.

Deep breaths, abby, deep breaths.

I will be patient and wait for the album because it will be best for the boys and the music blah blah blah....ya they need to at least release a single...or finish the "oh glory" clip. And that does not mean add fake audio porn to the end of it! Distrubing! I won't even explain that! Random creeper fangirls doctoring song clips. Shudder. Anyway, I had to rant. Fall Out Boy isn't releasing anything in the near future hence the hiatus, Paramore's on tour and I'm missing it which pisses me off, but whatever, and All Time Low is releasing an album early 2011 too. so then I have two wives, on of which misses me and my other wife, and the other is keeping my hoodie hostage, jk take your time I don't miss it, it's hot, and has stolen my v-card.


Not that I didn't enjoy it. So basically I'm tired, insane, impatient, filled to the brim with creativity to write, but NO! I have to do summer reading. Blerg. Just
Blerg. C'mon panic, make my night here....shirtless photos will not silence fans.

Song of the Day: All the Pretty Girls by Fun.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll. Btw, that picture of us was taken late at night after watching Live in Chicago continually. And I was suffering from some feverish disease. Probably brought on from the sexiness.

Spend Your Life Waiting on a Moment That Won't Come

Good summer days should linger, slow, like an Indian Summer, a rariety in Pittsburgh. It's been an unually snowwy and cold winter, and now an unusually hot summer. The heat just slows everyone down to a crawl, forcing people to acknowledge what they've been missing. Last night and the night before I cracked my window, and watched the storm fly by with my friend. Those moments should be endless, the magic of the night sky and silence and darkness at 3 AM eternal.

I'm grateful for every moment of sunshine and the mystery of night. I want to lock this summer away in my mind, the moments both good and bad, and revel in them forever. Maybe things are getting better, or just crazier. Either way, I'm enjoying myself wholeheartedly. Whether I'm making a total fool of myself with my friends, goofing off at the pool, or dancing and singing at the top of my lungs at shows I've begun to realize that these are the moments in movies, minus the great soundtrack and fancy lighting.



These are the moments we'll laugh about when were older. I only hope I have my friends by my side to laugh along.


So don't waste your life waiting for things to happen. Make it happen, make the change. The dreams that you have never die. You have to become content, realize you have enough and make due with what you have, or change it. Such naivite is often broken through adolescence, but even as adults people still lock themselves in cubicles and hope that someone finds their writing onling or Pete Wentz discovers their no-name band on Myspace. Either your the next Panic! at the Disco and go for it, or learn to love what you have. Go take off your shoes, dance in the rain, run through the darkness, let the blood pump freely through your veins, and wear your broken heart on your sleeve to show you've taken that chance to love and be loved. So much wordiness.

I'm full of crap and exhausted at the moment. Shout out to Ms. Feeler who needs to feel better. I think she was infected last night at the fail fireworks.

Song of the Day: Panic! at the Disco "That Green Gentleman" I do miss the Panic! boys as whole, but I've got high hopes for Bren and Spencer. Let's go new album <3

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll

Hold a Smile

It's times like these I'd like to linger in the sunlight. While it's all golden and burning and bright. I'll take a deep breath recollect it all. The memories lock in my mind. The flash of your eyes, the fireflies, the night sky, the innocence, and the impure. They all run together, like the montage that should play at my wedding. My wedding, something that may never happen, or maybe something that should play at my graduation. A quick slideshow, a blur of emotions turn my body abuzz.

And just when I've made peace with this, I just sit across from one week dude's family at a restaurant. It was quite awkward, with my brother and mother next to me, all I could do was bury my head, smile and eat. And text and talk about my friends, the good times we've had. Maybe that's the key. Looking away from what you can't erase, letting it slowly fade in time, and smile. Keep it there against your lips. And eat your nerves and uncomfortable meetings away.

I am happy. I'll take another deep breath. I'll close my eyes. And fill it with the memories that I don't want to erase. So this smile won't be labored. Just resting upon my lips. I like the sound of that. The confidence I've been looking for has been here all along inside of me. I've just got to open my heart to it and live.

Maybe I'm not beauty, but it's alright. The boys still come around. But I can't let what other people say define me anymore. The dirty looks those girls gave across the table. Oh, it's done, over, just life. My appearance, and my soul, will not break the surface of the earth. I will not be a superstar, I will not sing my heart out, I will not be a princess, I will not break millions of barriers, anything's possible-maybe I could with loads of autotune, but I don't care. I've got the love, the heart, the smile. That's what matters. Not how much money you get to spend of your parents, not how many purses you get, not how many karots that diamond is on your hand. It's the love. In the words of Christofer Drew, Love is the weapon for this wounded generation. Love is the only thing that's kept me believing.

So maybe I don't want a man, nor need one, maybe i need reassurance. Reassurance in myself is what seems to drive me crazy. But I've heard it enough, maybe not from the source I'd expect, but I'm going to believe. I'll hold this smile for the world to see. Take me on. And burn me with life. Let this sky never end. The moon never set. The clothes never loosen. The laughs never soften. Your eyes never stop burning. The music never quiet. It just takes some time, I'm in the middle of the ride, everything will be just fine. And yes I did just say that. Wow, I'm a sap.

I survived summer gym. I'm in the best shape ever. Really, I should feel beautiful. I deserve too. Maybe I will. I feel beautiful. That sounds odd....embracing the odd, my children! embrace the odd.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll
Song of the Day: More nevershoutnever. It just fit today. <3

KIss. My. Sass.

So, guess who's single again? Who else other than myself. It felt odd at first, until I realized so much drama has been released. It's like the floor fell out from under me, and I'm free. My body feels shaky, uncontrolled, reckless. It's oddly liberating. This summer, I'm building myself stronger, higher, better. I'll return to that school in late august ready to take on high school wholeheartedly. One week dude was a douche, I knew it, and I don't mind. He's played so many girls, lied to all of them, and then they'd pity hiim, and new relationship. Just some charm and kisses to get some.

I always knew it, and didn't care. But now that it's happened to other girls, oh, I am just a little on the pissed side. Me? Who cares? I've been used and abused, it's not right and will not happen again. Though I can't help but be emotionally attached or more in love with being loved and fawned over whether for a week.

But now, I'm fine. A fire in my sould, confidence, or more a mentality of if you don't like me, oh well, and enough bikinis and pool time to tease and flirt all summer. Oh, don't even try to take me down. I've got my girls, a concert in three days, Adam Lambert hell yes!, and the body I've worked for over 6 months. Oh bootlicious and washboard flat abs. Note to liers, fakes, and douche bags: I don't care. I really don't.

I'm living it up; get out of my way. Going to Ms. Feelers. Win
Peace, Love, Rock n' Roll

Song of the Day:

Think of Me

If my head spilled out onto the table, it would probably be so covered in crap and ridiculous amounts of randomness you'd never be able to clean up the mess.

So I've decided to live with the mess, accept the mess, and hope other people love the mess. So it seems they have. My friends and family love me enough to spend time loving me. And at the moment I'm at peace with this.

Maybe I'm bad for leaving a relationship over seven months, a terrible, slutty, stupid, insecure girl, and then flocking to another guy hours later. The realization of this upset me at first, until I realized it didn't quite matter. I'm enjoying life. I won't make up some tragic story about a broken family, heartbreak, and failing grades. My family is incredible, I'm in another great relationship, and I'm in the honors society.

I rebound quickly, don't I?

I have concluded that I love my friends more than anything else in the world. As crazed, and at times bi-curious, we maybe, we have a hell of a good time doing it. If I've learned anything over the passed seven months, it's that one cannot take life so seriously it becomes a romance novel. I'm young. I'm vibrant. And I've got a little bit of an attitude at the moment because I'm listening to Adam Lambert. Hate me again, I'll try not to care, though I will cry over it internally, but I'll shed it quickly and bounce right back.

How on earth did I get scooped up by another charming guy? Answer; I'm a chronic flirter. I have a serious problem, and I can't control my mouth or thumbs on my keyboard.Do I care if you think I'm trashy? Yes, but I actually like this guy, and I'm enjoying myself too much to let guilt get me down.

Song of the Day: Yes, I listen to Phantom of the Opera and Destiny's Child and Mayday Parade often. But at the moment it's Bootylicious.

Letdown

There's so much I could say, yet I'd rather write a sentence. Seven months of my life spent believing that I was worth it, I knew what I was doing, I was in love, and was loved right back. That's it. So simple, and so stupid, so naiive, so childish, so me. I can't help after four months of being told that you loved me that I was in deep. And then it was never true. But I'd convinced myself I loved you, I was worth it, I was safe; I was happy.

But in then end, I was not. Well, I still feel I love you. Maybe I'm full of shit, maybe I'm crazy, but that's what I feel. And you don't. You won't. You've only liked me less, I've changed, I've been a letdown. So I'm sorry. I'd change in a second to have you love me. I'd erase it all, I'd die in a second to go back, but it would be fake anyway.

So openly, anyone reading this, watched my own happiness build. It's as embarrassing as ever to have believed that I'd found everything. I still haven't. And I doubt there is anyone out there that can care for me like he did. So I'm all over worthless again.

Then, I take a step back and look at the one's who have been waiting for us to end, trying for me. And maybe there will be someone, but no one will ever replace what he's meant, who he is, how he's treated me. There will always be a part of me with him.

And with all this melodrama, I don't blame him, it's none of our faults, it's understandable. He's got a week to prove his care, but I think I've made up my mind. I can't waste my summer in pain. Prayin in vain for a savior to rise from these streets. Song quote yes, just felt like it.

But in all honesty, I'm not as hurt as I'd be if I had to face him every day, the cycle would repeat, he'd pull me in with his sweet talk, and then it would repeat. At least now I've got support from my friends, and sleep, and my writing. Now I have hours to think. If he's reading this, I'll miss you, but don't ever tell me forever or love unless you mean it. I listen and believe that you care for me, cared for me, but we don't have any future. And for your future girl, try for her really hard and mean it. Don't break her and then try to hold on to the pieces.

Song of the Day:
Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll.

I'm in Trouble!

So, how is everyone my invisible little readers? Ms. Feeler has stolen my blog theme and my music. Go say hi to her at c'estsuribon.blogspot.com. Even if no one reads this tis enjoyable. I need to think of something other than finals and how much I'd like to strangle the living breath out of mother natures big green lungs at the moment. She forced me to blow chunks after running the mile. Not attractive

I need to release some creativity. There are little bubbles of creativity being popped every moment by my killer stress! Let's see, geometry test, Daughtry concert tomorrow with my love, violin recital, and finals. Oh joy. Mostly, i want to finish Runs in the Family. I plan on posting it somwhere to attract anyform of reader. So please, head over and read it. Just do it. Now.

The last week, however, proved that this year has been the best ever. The friends I've made, the times we've had, the life I've lead, well I couldn't be happier. Sometimes I want to smile so hard my cheeks hurt and my eyes burn, and my nose shines. Today and mother nature aside, I've never been happier. Without mon copain and him just being his epicly amazing self and my beloved girls, Feeler and Love, I don't quite know where I'd be.

There have been bitchy girls, bitchier guys, nasty comments, hurt, jealousy, abuse, and a whole lotta drama. But I've found my place, love my place, and hope that it stays this way. The future is a massive blind spot that I can't help see around, but as long as I have someone to guide me through, I'll be able to see just fine.

Not to mention the epicness of Bamboozle in June, Adam Lambert in July, and the array of friends' pools I can hide away in, this summer shall be fun. My goals (I actually have goals? Overachieve much?) are to finish my novel, hang out with my friends, sleep, workout, look delicious in a bikini(I'm failing momentarily), and live through summer gym. Yes, that sounds fun.

So my message to you is find that someone who really cares about you, love them back, and have a fan-fuckin-tastic time doing it. Peace, love, and Rock n' roll.

Song of the Day: Happy. Never Shout Never. I have so much Summer Music to put here I could explode.

Take a Bite of my Heart Tonight.

Long time no write, I know, I know. My excuse: The homework/school dino ate my face for a good three weeks.

Anyway, I just read over my old posts thanks to a certain reader of mine reminding me of how creepy I sound sometimes. I realized that I've described myself to be some creeper weird ugly fail, which is pretty much an okay description, but, yeah, I'm not like that all the time. At some points I might actually have redeeming qualities. It all depends on the person you ask, which depends on perspective.

Perspective is huge part of life. Taking a step in someone else's shoes can change entire outlook on one's life. I see it in politics, school, relationships, family ordeals, wars, hatred, conflicts of any sort. With an open mind the world is beautiful place. What I'm trying to say is that if someone else were to judge me they will probably perceive differently than I perceive myself. Lately, though, I've been off the self analysis stuff and am focusing more on more important topics.

Such as how much I like food, future plans, and dresses. I passed up a $560 Italian designer dress at Nordstrom's last week. I actually thought that I looked amazing for the first time in my life in that dress. It fit like a glove and showed everything off right. Problem: it wasn't the right fit for a daytime ceremony or dance and was a little over our budget for 8th grade graduation dresses. Obviously. But I did dress at White House Black Market and Pacsun. I'd show the gorgeously amazing WHBM dresses but their website is being a fail. And mon copain doesn't want to see my dresses yet. He wants to be surprised.

In music news, I love the new Motion City Soundtrack stuff and Neon Trees and the Temper Trap. And the new TYV(the young veins) song. But every time I listen to them there's a surge of Ryan Ross annoyance anger that overtakes me and I end up writing songs about cheating men and musicians and BLAH. It doesn't end well. If anyone has contact with the Panic boys, please inform them that we're all kinda dying for info on the new album. I don't want them to rush the process but at least update on the status of it would be nice. I'm beginning to think that Spencer and Brendon are struggling writing songs without Ryan or Jon, but I can't doubt them. Not after the epicness of the "Oh Glory" song clip. What an epic flail worthy thirty seconds.

In drama news, things are as usual. Random ass grabs/slaps in the halls, the random comments out of nowhere, staring. Creepers as always. I'm glad that my friends are beginning to get first boyfriends and kisses and hugs. Their happiness is lovely. Everyone is starting to find a little bit of peace and confidence I hope. They all deserve it. That entire last passage sounded like kittens and fairies and sugar, but in retrospect, all is well.

LAX game for thy brother tomorrow early(my dad's the boy's lacrosse president for our district so we have to go to all the games) Joy.

Song of the Day: I love these lyrics. Not the song of my life atm, but just right.
Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll

Off the Tracks.

I'll help you break the walls down

The snow seems to have cancelled my entire weekend. I spent all of last week stressing about this weekend. I had a music festival to reherse for on Friday, which was about 8 hours straight of violin playing. It doesn't sound nearly as bad as your back feels after sitting washboard straight up on the very edge of your chair. I woke up and went to festival, stressed about the audition, auditioned, failed, got sixteenth chair out of 24, and practiced, ate lunch, and then found out that the concert the next day was cancelled due to the.....wait for it.....not yet.....

SNOWPOCALYPSE!

. So we practiced another two hours for no reason whatsoever, and I sat down next to the most emotionless player ever! Not even an ounce of whole not vibrato. That pisses me off. Even though I sucked at the fast song, I still didn't play like a robot.Then, I walked outside and the other violinist and I were blinded by snow it was coming down so hard. You couldn't even see. So I walked in front of a short bus and was almost run over. Highlight of my day: almost getting killed by a short bus. After that my orchestra teacher drove the other two representatives from my school district(I was selected or something for this) home. The snow had already started to fall, and in an hour, all hell broke lose.

The drive back to my middle school, which usually only took 15 minutes, took about 45minutes. By this time, the epicness of SNOWPOCALYPSE had only begun. I was supposed to go straight to a party after this. It was one of my girls birthdays. But instead the snow got so intense nobody's parents were willing to drive them, so it got postponed. Epic fail. There goes my friday night. And my concert. So I spent the evening trying on my new sexy dress. It's completely tiered in tiny layers and body hugging. Thank god I started working out. I have abs, my love handles are almost completely gone, and my butt is just getting better. It just continued to snow. By the time my dad got home, there was already about 5 inches on the ground. The weather lady kept saying we'd get 8 inches at the most. Something told me that was wrong. Our cul-de-sac still went unplowed. So basically people just slid down the hill and sure as hell weren't getting up it.

When I woke up Saturday morning, I looked out my window and saw nothing but a wall of snow. Legit. There was a massive pile of snow on the window. Kids were sledding down the street and jumping into six foot high snow banks. And all you could hear was the sound of choking snow blowers(control your mind with that one) and squealing tires stuck in 20 inches of snow. 8 inches I think not. A small dog would be swallowed whole by the snow beast, and all you would see of Snooki would be her hair, teased high atop her her head. The newcasters had completely gone insane. EMERGENCY! DISASTER! COLD! DEATH! So la famille was supposed to go to a party in Ohio for a cousin of ours who came home from Afganistan. But the SNOWPOCALYPSE eclipsed that. I spent the entire day watching movies and tv. Scrubs, baseball movie(I don't remember the name because I was sleeping most of the time), Yes Man, 500 Days of Summer, Mean Girls, and Baby Mama. I had seen enough Zooey Deschenal quirkiness and Lindsay Lohan in one day. I love Zooey though. Not so much the same with Lindsay.

Then, I had an overacheivers anonymous meeting today, and couldn't go because the driveway is still covered in 20 inches of snow. And still I have to go to my cousin's birthday party. I'm really hoping SNOPOCALYPSE doesn't ruin that. On the upside it did get school cancelled tomorrow. That pretty much made my weekend. In conclusion, SNOWPOCALYPSE didn't trap us for weeks, cut out our power, freeze us to death, eat us with giant snow men, or kill the entire mid-Atlantic region. It just ruined my weekend.

On a side note, mon copain hasn't texted me in four days...he's kinda missing...I'm worrying...and really miss him....I hope he's reading this and feeling guilty. Just kidding. But, seriously, someone find him!

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll

Song of the Day:

The Tale of the Orange Pedo Man!

Last Friday I was in Walmart with my mom after dinner with my friends. It was around 8:30, not too late but dark enough that it was slightly creepy. School was cancelled due to the snow, there was a snow back that was considerably taller than I(snow bank pwn)in the parking lot and I was in a fantastic mood. I was singing and dancing through the aisles, annoying the hell out of my mom. And then, it began to remind me of the DesandNate 9 and 1/2 video.

Walmaart gets creepy after about 7:00. No idea why, but there weren't alot of people there whatsoever. Our walmart is usually so crowded people ram into each other's carts, cause soup avalanches, and are generally in an awful mood. The awful mood was still in place, and my oddly spastic mood didn't quite fit, thus I got strange looks. I turned down an aisle, pushing the cart, in search of hot cocoa mix. In my mind I was picking stuff out that reminded me of DesandNate. Suddenly, a man turned into the aisle with a Hitler mustache. I almost laughed out loud. Guns don't kill people, people with mustaches do! I thought practically nothing of the man, and kept shopping.
PEDO HORSE(is a friend of mr. mustachio)
My mum had her usual check out line picking fail, and we ended up behind a family of screaming toddlers, checking out enough food to feed the Steelers. Legit. I stood in line, texting and making fun of Kate Goselin's extensions. But then I decided to turn around and right next to a massive bin of oranges was the Htiler mustachio man staring right at me. Mr. Mustachio we shall call him.

Dun, dun, dun!

I'm not usually one to freak out about this stuff. I've been perved on before and I've grown accustomed to ignoring it, or simply thinking that I imagined it. But this man gave the absolute creeps. He didn't move, just stand next to the oranges and stare at me. What was he doing? Did I know him? Why is he just standing there? I could not figure it out. When I turned around a second time, his back was to mine. I shrugged him off. Then, about three minutes later I turned around once more, and Mr. Mustachio was looking straight at me. I averted my gaze and began to get a little freaked out. This turn around, turn back around pattern continued for about ten minutes, while the family was checking out hoards of milk and poptarts. Finally, I whispered to my mother that there was a man with a sinister mustache staring at me. She thought initially that I was being imaginative, until she turned around and caught him looking at me. She gave me a mom look and hid me behind a rack of magazines. Every once in a while I'd turn around, and there he was, staring right back at me.

I was really starting to shake.

And then, he walked by, with his eyes transfixed on me, and stood in the checkout line next to us. From there he just kept staring. I quickly grabbed a few plastic bags and speed walked out of the store. I was sure I was going to be molested or something. By the time we got in the car, my heart was racing and I was shaking. I'd never felt so creeped out. Note to everyone else, if you see a hitler mustached pedo, run for your life!

Song of the Day: I can totally play the violin solo.

Peace, love, and Rock n' roll!

Hope this is the last time.

It's about time that we tackle the issue of CREEPERS. Many women are strucken by the disease which can be known as fly paper or simply creeper prone. They can range from the one's who walk with you every once in a while, talk to you obsessively, text you every moment of the day, or legitimattly stalk you. Over the years I have had each one of these happen to me. Alot, too. It's quite difficult to sort out the good from the bad, well, sometimes it's just obvious, but sometimes it can be tricky. I'm seriously annoyed it all. I'm not one to get angry or eastily annoyed, at worst I'm just sullen. But this is beginning to get to me.

In some ways it's flattering that kids ask you for pictures, not the kind with turtle neck sweaters, in a very sick, creepish way. But mostly it's just sick and creepy. In years past I really haven't cared. At all. I don't believe when they compliment me, most of it is totally bs so they can convince me to send them a picture. I do not have the best body in the school or will ever be the hottest chick you've ever met. Don't try it.

Also, I've learned some things that I really never wanted to no. Personally, I always liked highlighters because they make neon colors. But yesterday they were totally ruined for me. There is one sitting to my left, and I'm making a face at it as I type. If you really want the full story on this just ask, though I warn you not to. But in retrospect I probably knew alot of this before, just from paying attention to my enviornment, but really, I did like highlighters. Sadface.

The most difficult part to this whole drama is responding to these perverted comments/questions. No one ever teaches you how the hell to come up with an excuse to why not to send nude pictures to someone. Ever. Other than the obvious no, I've seriously had to put on my thinking cap to create some new excuses. But thankfully I'm not single, so that's the biggest fail of other people hitting on me. I'm not going to suddenly leave mon copain for you! Sorry, but it ain't happenin'. Get over it. If you're not with me, please get away from me.

I'm so done with this! And if anyone else happens to stumble upon this and can empathize and/or need advice feel free to comment!

Peace, Love, and Rock n' roll.