Measure In Love

Fittingly, I watched RENT the whole way through for the first time last night, and yes I did just capitalize each letter like a noob. And yeah, I loved everything about it. La vie boheime. But it made me think about this year as a whole, so I spent most of my morning recovering from three hours of sleep trying to figure out what the hell this year was.

It was basically like a giant 'what the actual fuck' moment except it lasted 365 days.

First half of the year was basically calm, till the rug was ripped out from under me. I learned to watch who I trusted, and then had my reputation basically sent whirling out of control for two weeks. I nearly lost a best friend, though I'm pretty sure my damage was permanent.

The summer, however, was perfect. It was long and hot and...sounds alot like sex. Pretty sure that's what it feels like. It was great, definitely the best time of the year.

By the time freshman year started, I was already being thrown head over heels into a hurricane. I was spun around, forced so far down, and then shot back up so many times, my body finally gave out a couple weeks ago. I've got a pretty bad sinus infection that was brought on from weeks of working my ass off at school and stressing over homework and him and then going out Friday and Saturday night...barely sleeping and then starting the week all over again. That had gone on for three months...and finally it all just crashed down upon me.

But I've come out of it, and on this last day of 2010, through all the heartbreak and drama and mistakes, I stand here with no regret. I've had a great time, some of the best memories, made some of the greatest friends. And most of all I have loved, the greatest thing I can possibly accomplish. Whether I was loved back equally as I loved others is to be questioned for some people. I know people love me out there, and, really, I love you guys. The people who have stuck with me through this year and who have been picked up along the ride are the ones who matter.

So, in love, I've given myself to everyone around me, whether they know it or not, I do love everyone. But my resolution for next year is to learn to love myself, for real this time - not letting a pretty, green-eyed boy catch me off gaurd - and breathe the freedom and care of those around me. I will shine outwards, love the world around me, and stop the co-dependence.

With the help of my friends,this year has been beautiful in love.

It may not be the kind of love you're looking for, but you have to be grateful for what you've been given, which is always just what you need.

Hello, freedom, I've never been a friend of yours, but I'd like to get to know you. Hello, new year, I'm nervous to begin again, but glad to start over.
Hello, self, I've missed you, and I'm ready to get to know you better.



We are beautiful, no matter what you say.

"Poprocks and Coke" Green Day

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll

Stronger

Well, hello there new girl who you seem to adore so. She follows you like a lost puppy. She doesn't know you. As you act all victimized and hurt and 'oh woe is me lonely boy with a crazy ex' you've found yourself a...lovely new young woman. I do wish you well....somehow I keep telling myself I do, but you have just set yourself up to fail. Goodbye all care for you. Screw yourself over and stop acting like it was my fault.

Fuck you.



The irony of all the X-Tina songs that narrate this is intense. I'm glad no one has found this blog sometimes. My secret little child. Stay safe.

Peace, love, and rock n' roll.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to everyone out there. I hope you're all save, and lovely, and warm and happy. And that you always will be.

However, I must self-indulge myself again and post this like every other woman who has had a guy step all over their faces.

YOU OUGHTA KNOW!
Phsychotic ex-girlfriend has stricken again.

I wish you well, I don't really mind, but this..you really oughta know of the mess you left when you went away. I don't want attention. I want you to know.


As numerous women have said before, the first verse of this is freakishly accurate...it's funny how low men go after you leave them. What a shame. She's almost like me, except...completely not good enough for you. shrug.

Dancing at Discos

Two days before Christmas I realize how much peace I am finding within myself. I've got to find the colors and lights within myself, not because others think I'm vibrant or bright. Breathing through my nose is also something that I'll never take for granted...chest colds+life long asthma=not fun.

Hhowever, I'm finding some comfort in the music around me, the happiness of Christmas, and my friends. And "Merry Happy" by Kate Nash



Don't tell me that you didn't try to check out my bum, I know that you did, cause your friend told me that you liked it... Don't try and tell me you didn't love me, I know that you did, because you said it and you wrote it down.

There are a million things I could hate because of him, and there was a time when I thought I would.
I could never use chapstick
I could cry through Fiddler on the Roof
I could never go back to Ross Park Mall
I could never listen to Blink-182 again and cry whenever "I Miss You" comes on the radio
I could forever hate hazel/green eyes
I could never buy that obese golden retriever we wanted
I could never wear my cat ears I bought for you again
I could never wear the pair of jeggings you nearly fucked up.
I could never trust again.
I could never smile again.
I could never love again.

But I refuse to let myself fade like that. I am determined to be happy and be strong and hopefully to love again. I will not let you take me under.

Sitting at restaurants, thought we were so grownup, but I know that we were not the people that we turned out to be. Chatting on the phone, can't take back those hours, but I won't regret because I know you can grow flowers from where dirt used to be.

I guess you just have to learn to let your broken heart be a sign that you loved, took a chance, and lived. All you can do is rebuild. Life is too short to waste crying over spilled....milk? or stupid boys....or both...thank you for the ability to get stains out of jeggings. On that note, hope everyone is in the holiday spirit. Christmas, heck yes! I am excited and you should be too. Just because.

Boredom

Blogging in school is definitely cool. The day before winter break is completely pointless...other than for masses of candy canes and presents. Phone just went off...probably another pocket dial. Uber rawr. Sickness isn't fun but presents and hats are.

Change Is Hard.

I Hate Compliments

Ice

Splits every crack in the pavement

After we’ve rolled the dice

My soul’s been trapped in enslavement

It burns every part of me

The way your hands used to

Somehow the pain I wish you’d see

Or maybe for it to suffocate you

So I can hear your breath choke

The way your voice used to

With the moan my lips could only provoke

But

My Sweet Angel Dear,

Your green eyes soften me so

That the hurt must disappear

The way I used to blow

For I don’t want you, no

I need to hold every part

And never let go

Unless to rip out thy heart

So

I can shred it to shatters

And watch you cry

The way you used to be all that matters

So you can die

Always by my side

Buried in this grave, ‘Twould suffice

Layered in century’s of Ice

My heart creates scary things when I hurt....This was my final release. The last tear I'll cry for him, the last hour of sleep lost. I've just let it go. A new lady has already stricken his boyish 'heart' while I have found some form of Christmas spirit. Plus, I asked Santa for some happiness this time around. I'm sick and tired of this man PMS drama, so I'm running as far away from this as I can.

"Change is Hard" She and Him -

Btw, blogger format ruined the pretty structure of the poem...it looked better before.

Goodbye, Sweet Decadance

We're lost it all, the love is gone. And we had magic, and this is tragic, you couldn't keep your hands to yourself. I feel like our world's been infected, and somehow you left me neglected. We found our live's been changed. Babe, you lost me.

Funny how that song cuts a little too close to home. Well, as everything that settles can settle and I attempt to rebuild my grades to no avail, everything is just spiralling out of control...far too fast for me to notice I've been gone.

And I will stand by you like a toy soldier. Prop me up, set my hands just right to pull you up out of where you have fallen. No matter how many times you've knocked me down.

But I've got to move forward, I can't sit here and let myself sink any lower. I owe it to the people around me not to be a mobile rain-cloud all the time. I'll work for the people around me, until I can rebuild myself...right...that may never happen again. Ah, well. Too much going on to sit in a bath of self-pity all night.



And we were sweet, but you chose lust when you decieved me, and you'll regret it, but it's too late. How can I ever trust anyone again?

The Point of It All

But it's better to spend your life watching life change at a comatose rate then to put yourself in it and become one of those cigarette ads that you hate.

Though it seems I'm ungrateful, I've never been so thankful for the beautiful friends I have. Thank you guys for all the support you have given me while I wallow in his wake. I love all of you. And plan on me pulling you out of every hole you may stumble into in the future.

Oh, but no one can stare at the wall as good as you my baby doll. And you're racist for playing along. You're almost human after all. Why on Earth would I keep you locked up in here, when you so love the fall. Well, the patterns laid out on the bed with hundreds of colors of thread, but you've got the needle I guess that's the point in the end.

Amanda Palmer may is one of the best song writers ever. Hands down. I can't even begin to explain how much I love her and am fascinated by her work. All the words cept my middle paragraph belong to her.

The Dog Days Are Over

It's hard to describe why people hang onto things that aren't theirs. It's hard to explain why I can't let his face fade from my mind. It's hard to explain how much I want to see him and hold him yet feel like he deserves a slap of "Are you plain dumb?"

No matter where life goes, how many smiles I fake, how much I laugh, how many new shoes I buy, how many pounds I loose, how good I may look one night, will never bring him back. And it seems as if I may never be as happy as before, never find my high, and never love anyone nearly as much. I may be okay again, but never like I was for the last three months.

I sound ridiculous, immature, silly even. I killed him with kisses, my love, my heart, my everything...there is little of me he doesn't have, and nothing I wouldn't have let him hold. And for three months I was pretty sure he'd do the same for me.

Then, one evening, it all ripped out from under my feet.

Isn't that always how it happens?

So now I wear these marks as a badge, some form of proof that it hadn't been a beautiful nightmare, that I was 'loved' by whatever twisted definition of love he has. I'll never be the same, always hiding my marked soul away, in fear of being found out. My head spins more every second, my body out of control, my heart in shatters.

And I'd give the world just to see him smile, watch him laugh, hear him talk one more time. I always will yearn within the caverns of my heart for him.

Someday in the future, I'll be in a theater, eyes wide and full, vide of all the sparkle you gave them, watching you move on that screen, hear your voice, and watch you smile. I hope you'll make it, even if I sit there crying or silenced in missing you as I am now. However, there is a part of me that prays you'll get up for your biggest audition, hear a song drift in the window that reminds you of me, and you burst into huge mother fucking tears and bawl your eyes out, wishing I'd hold you once more, the way I have been for the past week.

But I know you've forgotten me already.

What Can You Do With a Sentimental Heart?

If I had words to describe whatever is happening, I would. But nothing makes any sense, but hundreds of songs, lines, and melodies mixed around in my head.

Write it off as another one who's killed me, but this was different. And I know that.

Cried all night till there was nothing more, what use am I as a heap on the floor?

Sweating All Your Blood

Breathe for love tomorrow


Hope is not a word I've ever understood, in order to protect myself from being let down. Now more than ever, all I can do is wait, close my eyes tight, and breathe. If you only cared.

I climb I slip I fall, reaching for your hand, but I lay here all alone, with my undying love.

Didn't I, My Dear?

I have officially fucked things up with my own insecurity.

And I know I won't be taken back.

I'm the only one to blame, no tears will bring him back, no words, no time, no nothing. And because I didn't love myself. I've been damned by my own words.
I could never apologize enough, or fix this. It seems so mellowdramatic as most of things involving myself become. Sorry isn't enough.

Vide of purpose, vide of life, vide of heart. I wish I could say goodbye, but I'd rather disappear.