Hold a Smile

It's times like these I'd like to linger in the sunlight. While it's all golden and burning and bright. I'll take a deep breath recollect it all. The memories lock in my mind. The flash of your eyes, the fireflies, the night sky, the innocence, and the impure. They all run together, like the montage that should play at my wedding. My wedding, something that may never happen, or maybe something that should play at my graduation. A quick slideshow, a blur of emotions turn my body abuzz.

And just when I've made peace with this, I just sit across from one week dude's family at a restaurant. It was quite awkward, with my brother and mother next to me, all I could do was bury my head, smile and eat. And text and talk about my friends, the good times we've had. Maybe that's the key. Looking away from what you can't erase, letting it slowly fade in time, and smile. Keep it there against your lips. And eat your nerves and uncomfortable meetings away.

I am happy. I'll take another deep breath. I'll close my eyes. And fill it with the memories that I don't want to erase. So this smile won't be labored. Just resting upon my lips. I like the sound of that. The confidence I've been looking for has been here all along inside of me. I've just got to open my heart to it and live.

Maybe I'm not beauty, but it's alright. The boys still come around. But I can't let what other people say define me anymore. The dirty looks those girls gave across the table. Oh, it's done, over, just life. My appearance, and my soul, will not break the surface of the earth. I will not be a superstar, I will not sing my heart out, I will not be a princess, I will not break millions of barriers, anything's possible-maybe I could with loads of autotune, but I don't care. I've got the love, the heart, the smile. That's what matters. Not how much money you get to spend of your parents, not how many purses you get, not how many karots that diamond is on your hand. It's the love. In the words of Christofer Drew, Love is the weapon for this wounded generation. Love is the only thing that's kept me believing.

So maybe I don't want a man, nor need one, maybe i need reassurance. Reassurance in myself is what seems to drive me crazy. But I've heard it enough, maybe not from the source I'd expect, but I'm going to believe. I'll hold this smile for the world to see. Take me on. And burn me with life. Let this sky never end. The moon never set. The clothes never loosen. The laughs never soften. Your eyes never stop burning. The music never quiet. It just takes some time, I'm in the middle of the ride, everything will be just fine. And yes I did just say that. Wow, I'm a sap.

I survived summer gym. I'm in the best shape ever. Really, I should feel beautiful. I deserve too. Maybe I will. I feel beautiful. That sounds odd....embracing the odd, my children! embrace the odd.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll
Song of the Day: More nevershoutnever. It just fit today. <3