Jar of Hearts

Hello, it's so nice to see you here!

Well, I feel a bit guilt for leaving this blog for a month. I'm not quite sure what happened, but whenever I tried to write, nothing came out right. Not to mention, it was all me radiating happiness, without anything else to say because nothing else was on my mind.

For the last month, it's been a whirlwind of work and whatever the hell else has been going on. Living on this week to week basis has made everything go so quickly, I didn't even have a chance to breathe. Thankfully, I've made it to a break, one and a half days, so I stopped for a second to look around.

And I've had another crack, when it all came together, and I realized what's been missing. Why I can't trust. I've got to trust myself and believe in myself, and love myself before I can ever love another. I knew this before, but didn't see the effects till a few weeks ago. I push the ones I care about the most because I don't think I'm worth their love. I sit there, suspicious, questioning every compliment (tehe), not believing where you say you are only because I don't think I'm worth your honesty. The paranoia has to end. I've got to grow above hating myself, and accept who I am, so I can put it all outwards, give you my everything.

Why am I writing in second person?

Anyway, I've got to heal. I want to be happy, and if you're what that means, then I'll take it, but no one else can heal me. It's something I've got to do.

How is the question.

How do I trust again? Close my eyes, and hope blindly it's all real? I was never that naive, even as a child. It's not faith, if I use my eyes, so...heregoesnothin...trust. I deserve your honesty. I deserve your love. And it's all I can think about, but I've got to rework my balance. You said, "Remember." So I am. I'll always remember what you said to me, and it keeps me pushing through all the suspicion, which is completely uncalled for, and all the loneliness. Just one more week.

It's all I can do to love myself, so I can send it outwards. I hope it will happen. I'll have to make it happen.

But I am happy, and am looking at a three day weekend! Gonna spend it with my friends and have a kick ass time. Squee. I'll take one deep breath, clear my mind, and remember.

On a side note, I'd post homecoming pictures if there weren't other people in them...and I'd feel like a pedo posting other people on here. The pictures are all hilariously bad or awkward other than a few. Even in those my face is so made up it looks ridiculous. Ah, well, I had a fantastic night, even if it wasn't perfect, I don't think it could have been better, if that makes sense.

Song of the Day: "Lucky" by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat. Don't ask why, I've never been too fond of either of them, but this song caught my ears. I do feel like the luckiest girl.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll