Growing Up or Going Down?

So take your tears, put 'em on ice cause I swear I'd burn the city down to show you the light


As much as I love time off from school, it only makes me realize how dependent I am on mon copain. This entire weekend has been fine, though I've been entirely alone, my friends not seeming to want to do anything together, so I'm just sitting here wishing I had any idea how he was doing. My sanity slips away when were apart a little too long.

I didn't hear from him yesterday, but distracted myself by watching the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame Concert. Bruce Springsteen always manages to put me in a good mood. Ma mere and I sang along to Born to Run, and I felt ok.

And then I woke up this morning, watched Say Yes to the Dress, which is really quite amusing. Hmmm. I need to make a dream wedding dress post, which is only evidence of this whole hopeless romantic thing. I've always wanted to wear Helena's dress in the My Chemical Romance video. Or just jeans and t-shirt

Ugh, ADHD is kicking in.

Anyway, I decided to look in the Mirror, and that friggin thing just reflected another disgusting reflection and this one sent me over the edge. First came the utter frustration, and then the let down. I'm so tired of this body.

On top of that, there's this kid I've been helping out. I asked the girl he likes out for him, gave him advice, comforted him when she rejected him, basically playing mommy/girl who can be used. My overall sweet, nice to everyone personality makes me a prime target for being used. It's happened before and will happen again. Well, he decides to go and tell me I'm unattractive and ugly.

I'm so done with being nice to everyone, helping everyone. It's gotten me nowhere. Men will always use me. They'll always think of me as the ugly girl that can help them, whether its for some confidence or to make their girlfriend jealous. Really, I'm done. I've tried my entire life to be someone that's good and loving, but it's only broken my heart ten times over. I never cared much about the kid, but it hurts nonetheless.

In my self-loathing meltdown, my mother told me that I was just as vain as the other douchebags that are referred to as peers, if I hated myself just because of they way I look. And it's true. That's where the insecurity comes from. And I think it's time for a major self re-evaluation. I will not care about how I look anymore. I'm in love with a sweet boy, and I'm cared for. I won't be greedy and ask for beauty. I will not shrink to the level of my peers and judge others only on appearance.

But I've concluded that being in love doesn't solve the problems that I have with myself. Those can only be solved by my soul. No one else can save me now. But I do miss him badly.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll.