Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Think of Me

If my head spilled out onto the table, it would probably be so covered in crap and ridiculous amounts of randomness you'd never be able to clean up the mess.

So I've decided to live with the mess, accept the mess, and hope other people love the mess. So it seems they have. My friends and family love me enough to spend time loving me. And at the moment I'm at peace with this.

Maybe I'm bad for leaving a relationship over seven months, a terrible, slutty, stupid, insecure girl, and then flocking to another guy hours later. The realization of this upset me at first, until I realized it didn't quite matter. I'm enjoying life. I won't make up some tragic story about a broken family, heartbreak, and failing grades. My family is incredible, I'm in another great relationship, and I'm in the honors society.

I rebound quickly, don't I?

I have concluded that I love my friends more than anything else in the world. As crazed, and at times bi-curious, we maybe, we have a hell of a good time doing it. If I've learned anything over the passed seven months, it's that one cannot take life so seriously it becomes a romance novel. I'm young. I'm vibrant. And I've got a little bit of an attitude at the moment because I'm listening to Adam Lambert. Hate me again, I'll try not to care, though I will cry over it internally, but I'll shed it quickly and bounce right back.

How on earth did I get scooped up by another charming guy? Answer; I'm a chronic flirter. I have a serious problem, and I can't control my mouth or thumbs on my keyboard.Do I care if you think I'm trashy? Yes, but I actually like this guy, and I'm enjoying myself too much to let guilt get me down.

Song of the Day: Yes, I listen to Phantom of the Opera and Destiny's Child and Mayday Parade often. But at the moment it's Bootylicious.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Letdown

There's so much I could say, yet I'd rather write a sentence. Seven months of my life spent believing that I was worth it, I knew what I was doing, I was in love, and was loved right back. That's it. So simple, and so stupid, so naiive, so childish, so me. I can't help after four months of being told that you loved me that I was in deep. And then it was never true. But I'd convinced myself I loved you, I was worth it, I was safe; I was happy.

But in then end, I was not. Well, I still feel I love you. Maybe I'm full of shit, maybe I'm crazy, but that's what I feel. And you don't. You won't. You've only liked me less, I've changed, I've been a letdown. So I'm sorry. I'd change in a second to have you love me. I'd erase it all, I'd die in a second to go back, but it would be fake anyway.

So openly, anyone reading this, watched my own happiness build. It's as embarrassing as ever to have believed that I'd found everything. I still haven't. And I doubt there is anyone out there that can care for me like he did. So I'm all over worthless again.

Then, I take a step back and look at the one's who have been waiting for us to end, trying for me. And maybe there will be someone, but no one will ever replace what he's meant, who he is, how he's treated me. There will always be a part of me with him.

And with all this melodrama, I don't blame him, it's none of our faults, it's understandable. He's got a week to prove his care, but I think I've made up my mind. I can't waste my summer in pain. Prayin in vain for a savior to rise from these streets. Song quote yes, just felt like it.

But in all honesty, I'm not as hurt as I'd be if I had to face him every day, the cycle would repeat, he'd pull me in with his sweet talk, and then it would repeat. At least now I've got support from my friends, and sleep, and my writing. Now I have hours to think. If he's reading this, I'll miss you, but don't ever tell me forever or love unless you mean it. I listen and believe that you care for me, cared for me, but we don't have any future. And for your future girl, try for her really hard and mean it. Don't break her and then try to hold on to the pieces.

Song of the Day:
Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I'm in Trouble!

So, how is everyone my invisible little readers? Ms. Feeler has stolen my blog theme and my music. Go say hi to her at c'estsuribon.blogspot.com. Even if no one reads this tis enjoyable. I need to think of something other than finals and how much I'd like to strangle the living breath out of mother natures big green lungs at the moment. She forced me to blow chunks after running the mile. Not attractive

I need to release some creativity. There are little bubbles of creativity being popped every moment by my killer stress! Let's see, geometry test, Daughtry concert tomorrow with my love, violin recital, and finals. Oh joy. Mostly, i want to finish Runs in the Family. I plan on posting it somwhere to attract anyform of reader. So please, head over and read it. Just do it. Now.

The last week, however, proved that this year has been the best ever. The friends I've made, the times we've had, the life I've lead, well I couldn't be happier. Sometimes I want to smile so hard my cheeks hurt and my eyes burn, and my nose shines. Today and mother nature aside, I've never been happier. Without mon copain and him just being his epicly amazing self and my beloved girls, Feeler and Love, I don't quite know where I'd be.

There have been bitchy girls, bitchier guys, nasty comments, hurt, jealousy, abuse, and a whole lotta drama. But I've found my place, love my place, and hope that it stays this way. The future is a massive blind spot that I can't help see around, but as long as I have someone to guide me through, I'll be able to see just fine.

Not to mention the epicness of Bamboozle in June, Adam Lambert in July, and the array of friends' pools I can hide away in, this summer shall be fun. My goals (I actually have goals? Overachieve much?) are to finish my novel, hang out with my friends, sleep, workout, look delicious in a bikini(I'm failing momentarily), and live through summer gym. Yes, that sounds fun.

So my message to you is find that someone who really cares about you, love them back, and have a fan-fuckin-tastic time doing it. Peace, love, and Rock n' roll.

Song of the Day: Happy. Never Shout Never. I have so much Summer Music to put here I could explode.