I've never understood the word strength.
What does it mean to be strong? Because I'm pretty sure whatever the hell it is, it doesn't apply to me.
However, I am a firm believer in strength through music. Maybe it just sounds that way.
I will pull myself out of this, I will not drown, I will not let go. I refuse to let this eat me alive. Or let me eat myself alive.
Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Velvet Skies
Life doesn't prepare you for alot of things.
You hear stories growing up about epic moments. The first time you learn how to ride a bike, your first day of 6 hour school, your first soccor game, your first dance recital, your first best friend, your first crush, youur first boyz/girlz party (whoa there preteen awkwardness), your first kiss(Even worse), your first orgasm, losing your virginity (and no, those do not have to be the same occassion), your last day of high school, graduation, your first day of college, your first drunken night at college, your first all-nighter cramming for a calc test, ETC! but did anyone once tell you how the hell they actually felt after one of these moments?
I think you get the point. The funny thing is, you don't always internalize these moments. They happen like the running film of a movie, while you just stand by watching.
Growing up is scary as shit. Every once in a long while I want to go curl up on the couch and watch the Little Mermaid and Cinderella on repeat, drinking chocolate milk from a sippy cup. However, strangely, I've found everything completely natural. That's the scary party.
I don't feel gawky or freakish or over-grown anymore. I just feel like myself, like some normal teenage girl, in a normal neighborhood, with normal*ahemslightlyabornomal* friends, and a perfectly normal family. I love it, honestly.
So what I'm trying to say is, don't plan these moments. Don't sit there fantasizing over your first kiss or boyfriend or mixed gender party or college graduation. Just let your life happen, and try to keep your head up. Don't be afraid of change or all these 'epic' moments, that really aren't all that epic.
Oh the horrors of becoming normal. I'm actually excited.
Peace, Love, and Rock n Roll
Song of the Day:
Sexy, huh?
Hold me, I get lonely, I get lonely, so lonely, I'm losing my mind.
You hear stories growing up about epic moments. The first time you learn how to ride a bike, your first day of 6 hour school, your first soccor game, your first dance recital, your first best friend, your first crush, youur first boyz/girlz party (whoa there preteen awkwardness), your first kiss(Even worse), your first orgasm, losing your virginity (and no, those do not have to be the same occassion), your last day of high school, graduation, your first day of college, your first drunken night at college, your first all-nighter cramming for a calc test, ETC! but did anyone once tell you how the hell they actually felt after one of these moments?
I think you get the point. The funny thing is, you don't always internalize these moments. They happen like the running film of a movie, while you just stand by watching.
Growing up is scary as shit. Every once in a long while I want to go curl up on the couch and watch the Little Mermaid and Cinderella on repeat, drinking chocolate milk from a sippy cup. However, strangely, I've found everything completely natural. That's the scary party.
I don't feel gawky or freakish or over-grown anymore. I just feel like myself, like some normal teenage girl, in a normal neighborhood, with normal*ahemslightlyabornomal* friends, and a perfectly normal family. I love it, honestly.
So what I'm trying to say is, don't plan these moments. Don't sit there fantasizing over your first kiss or boyfriend or mixed gender party or college graduation. Just let your life happen, and try to keep your head up. Don't be afraid of change or all these 'epic' moments, that really aren't all that epic.
Oh the horrors of becoming normal. I'm actually excited.
Peace, Love, and Rock n Roll
Song of the Day:
Sexy, huh?
Hold me, I get lonely, I get lonely, so lonely, I'm losing my mind.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
I Will Not Let You Go
So it's been a month and a half. Oh, and, dear, blog I have missed you. It seems the less I write, whether it be these mindless posts or random lines across my papers, the crazier I get. My mind rushes, emotions choke my reason, my heart practically beats out of my chest...it always ends in tears.
However, now that school has legitmately come to a standstill, as I waste three days in class without anymore finals, I'm beginning to come out of my lack of creativity cave. My skin is itching with new ideas, or moreover, the time to think about new ideas.
I want to sit in the heat, and just let my mind stew for hours and hours. Yes, I will get bored. Yes, I will get discontented, but that is where creativity begins. hehehe.
Let's do this.
Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll
Oh, and P.S, it's getting harder and harder not to write about relationships on this blog. I will not curse my luck this time. Not this time.
However, now that school has legitmately come to a standstill, as I waste three days in class without anymore finals, I'm beginning to come out of my lack of creativity cave. My skin is itching with new ideas, or moreover, the time to think about new ideas.
I want to sit in the heat, and just let my mind stew for hours and hours. Yes, I will get bored. Yes, I will get discontented, but that is where creativity begins. hehehe.
Let's do this.
Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll
Oh, and P.S, it's getting harder and harder not to write about relationships on this blog. I will not curse my luck this time. Not this time.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Candles
I'm beginning to see the light
Sometimes, I don't know what to say, so I listen to music and let it do all the talking.
But sometimes it's not enough. I just mix the melodies in my head until all I hear is madness
Tonight, it's this thrown in with some closure:
Sometimes, I don't know what to say, so I listen to music and let it do all the talking.
But sometimes it's not enough. I just mix the melodies in my head until all I hear is madness
Tonight, it's this thrown in with some closure:
Saturday, April 2, 2011
My Pretty Little Angel
On a less mushy-romantic note than the title would suggest, I'm taking a study/eating/discussing college options break to write. I start to get this itch, with the only adrenaline that seems to run through me nowadays, when I start focusing too much on school or just sit around all day. That has become my life for the most part anyway.
It's gotten to the point where I spend so much energy on school that I have no more energy left to sit here and type about some huge issue like the crisis in Lybia or Japan, let alone the divisions forming in our own country.
That is such a superficial list. I just listed millions of casualties, decades of hate, and a possible 2nd civil war in the same sentence like what I ate for breakfast, which was an English muffin and peanut butter bar.
It's true, contentedness is the biggest cause of writer's block. I've been strangely happy lately. Not in an over-zealous way, but in some odd healthy thing that doesn't end with me crying my eyes out and yelling at everyone around me.
My grades are improving, somehow, as well as the sky around me. The snow should melt by Monday and maybe even some sunshine will show through. Summer's on the tip of my tongue, as well as freedom. Freshmen year is my last chance to make mistakes, as dumb as that sounds, 10th and 11th grade seem to be the biggest college factors in high school GPA range. That doesn't even factor in how many SAT prep course I'm going to take over the next two years.
But, when it comes down to it, I feel the touches of freedom, teenage restlessness, or sleeplessness. Those three words, or four if you take out contractions, are not what you'd think. I don't care. Through all of the mechanical work and exhaustion I still have this naiive childish view of the world. I still want love and happiness and still want to move to the ocean one day and write music all day.
So basically I'm on this fast-track future of hard work and stress for the rest of my life, but I can't shake who I am. I can't leave my music, my poems, or my heart as simple childish past times. They're part of who I am. Maybe it's like that glory and final paradise hope of blue collar working all those Springsteen songs are about. Maybe I'm just full of shit.
But it comes down to the point where I either sell out, and focus on books from now on, or take on the impossible task of balancing everything. Tonight there is a light in my heart, and it reminds me that I will never compromise who I am. I will never forget my music or my writing or my love. That will always be me. I can't let go, I refuse.
Song of the Day: "Stall Me" Panic! at the Disco. Sexy, refreshing, energetic. Sounds like Spring to me.
It's gotten to the point where I spend so much energy on school that I have no more energy left to sit here and type about some huge issue like the crisis in Lybia or Japan, let alone the divisions forming in our own country.
That is such a superficial list. I just listed millions of casualties, decades of hate, and a possible 2nd civil war in the same sentence like what I ate for breakfast, which was an English muffin and peanut butter bar.
It's true, contentedness is the biggest cause of writer's block. I've been strangely happy lately. Not in an over-zealous way, but in some odd healthy thing that doesn't end with me crying my eyes out and yelling at everyone around me.
My grades are improving, somehow, as well as the sky around me. The snow should melt by Monday and maybe even some sunshine will show through. Summer's on the tip of my tongue, as well as freedom. Freshmen year is my last chance to make mistakes, as dumb as that sounds, 10th and 11th grade seem to be the biggest college factors in high school GPA range. That doesn't even factor in how many SAT prep course I'm going to take over the next two years.
But, when it comes down to it, I feel the touches of freedom, teenage restlessness, or sleeplessness. Those three words, or four if you take out contractions, are not what you'd think. I don't care. Through all of the mechanical work and exhaustion I still have this naiive childish view of the world. I still want love and happiness and still want to move to the ocean one day and write music all day.
So basically I'm on this fast-track future of hard work and stress for the rest of my life, but I can't shake who I am. I can't leave my music, my poems, or my heart as simple childish past times. They're part of who I am. Maybe it's like that glory and final paradise hope of blue collar working all those Springsteen songs are about. Maybe I'm just full of shit.
But it comes down to the point where I either sell out, and focus on books from now on, or take on the impossible task of balancing everything. Tonight there is a light in my heart, and it reminds me that I will never compromise who I am. I will never forget my music or my writing or my love. That will always be me. I can't let go, I refuse.
Song of the Day: "Stall Me" Panic! at the Disco. Sexy, refreshing, energetic. Sounds like Spring to me.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Important Facts
So, why are you reading this? You should be out there, buying Vices & Virtues and jamming to probably the catchiest record of the year.
If you're not buying the album, you should be eating.
Seriously.
Eating is important...hence you need the nutrients from food to survive.
Pick up the sandwhich, lift it towards your mouth, and take a bite
See? Isn't that better?
Anorexia is not the new little black dress. It is not the new sexy. It is not the new pair of jeggings from True Religion. Or those Betsey Johnson hot pink and leopard pumps. It is the farthest thing from attractive.
EATTTTTT! OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!
If you're not buying the album, you should be eating.
Seriously.
Eating is important...hence you need the nutrients from food to survive.
Pick up the sandwhich, lift it towards your mouth, and take a bite
See? Isn't that better?
Anorexia is not the new little black dress. It is not the new sexy. It is not the new pair of jeggings from True Religion. Or those Betsey Johnson hot pink and leopard pumps. It is the farthest thing from attractive.
EATTTTTT! OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Catch Me Like A Cold
Hey, stranger, I want to catch you like a cold.
Sometimes I like to walk down the street, listening to some sunshine-y She & Him song, "Sweet Darlin" or "I Was Made for You" depending on my mood, gently sashaying my hips, and pretend to be Zooey Deschenal....or as lovely as her character in (500) Days of Summer, minues the ice queen factor.
Then, other times I like to stand in my room, blaring "Badlands" and air guitaring rigidly, and pretend that I'm Bruce Springsteen playing a show for thousands of New Yorkers at Madison Square Garden.
Next, I enjoy dancing around my room like a mad person, with my left hand behind my back, making ridiculous faces, pretending I'm Brendon Urie surrounded by the screams of girls nearly half his age dying to sleep with him....not that I want that, but it's an interesting feeling.
Anyway, it was just last Friday (cue the Rebecca Black, "It's Fridayyy, Fridayyya, Fridayya) I realized living my own life is pretty entertainnig. Screaming over drunk people awkwardly at Mexican restuarants, driving around blaring Beyonce, sprinting through the parking lot at Giant Eagle in 3 inch heels away from the car we dented with our passenger door, and generally freaking out passerbys by the sudden leg that just appeared in the backseat window of that parked car sound lame to everyone else, but, hell, I'm having way too much fun.
Even if it is the only fun I have all week.
A certain essay dinasour -ahempoulakosaurus- swallowed me whole in assignments. I'm taking a break and jamming to Vices & Virtues for the thousandth time....I'm in love with Panic! at the Disco to such an extent that I basically fangirlgasm every time I hear one of their new songs. And my face looks something like this.
I'm so ready for this...and by this I mean everything.
Everything, everything, everything.
Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll
"Trade Mistakes" - Panic! at the Disco. Hellz to the yes.
Sometimes I like to walk down the street, listening to some sunshine-y She & Him song, "Sweet Darlin" or "I Was Made for You" depending on my mood, gently sashaying my hips, and pretend to be Zooey Deschenal....or as lovely as her character in (500) Days of Summer, minues the ice queen factor.
Then, other times I like to stand in my room, blaring "Badlands" and air guitaring rigidly, and pretend that I'm Bruce Springsteen playing a show for thousands of New Yorkers at Madison Square Garden.
Next, I enjoy dancing around my room like a mad person, with my left hand behind my back, making ridiculous faces, pretending I'm Brendon Urie surrounded by the screams of girls nearly half his age dying to sleep with him....not that I want that, but it's an interesting feeling.
Anyway, it was just last Friday (cue the Rebecca Black, "It's Fridayyy, Fridayyya, Fridayya) I realized living my own life is pretty entertainnig. Screaming over drunk people awkwardly at Mexican restuarants, driving around blaring Beyonce, sprinting through the parking lot at Giant Eagle in 3 inch heels away from the car we dented with our passenger door, and generally freaking out passerbys by the sudden leg that just appeared in the backseat window of that parked car sound lame to everyone else, but, hell, I'm having way too much fun.
Even if it is the only fun I have all week.
A certain essay dinasour -ahempoulakosaurus- swallowed me whole in assignments. I'm taking a break and jamming to Vices & Virtues for the thousandth time....I'm in love with Panic! at the Disco to such an extent that I basically fangirlgasm every time I hear one of their new songs. And my face looks something like this.
I'm so ready for this...and by this I mean everything.
Everything, everything, everything.
Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll
"Trade Mistakes" - Panic! at the Disco. Hellz to the yes.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Witty, Witty, Witless
It seems I've found a break in which I should be studying or writing or doing something that's not so pointless. But, whatever. School can wait...education can screw itself. It's basically like the callouse on my index finger, keeps getting bigger until it just goes numb.
Numb.
There's a quote from a Tree Grows In Brooklyn I'd like to throw in here however I don't wanna butcher it without the book in front of me. It's something along the lines of wanting to feel something, no matter what, rather than nothing.
Right now all I feel is the pain in stomach and my aching exhaustion.
If I could hide out with you I'd just take the day and sleep. And breathe. And live.
And not want to stab my eye out with my pen in Algebra 2.
I'm surprised I haven't jumped out the second story window of that classroom yet.
If I had more energy I'd bitch about people....but I don't even have the energy to do a super rant.
However, this whole teenage angst "I hate my life for no apparent reason, and either I'm going to hide it, but write all these clever, witty lyrics about how I so nobily hide my obnoxious complaining, or I'm going to shout my 'sadness' from the tree tops and drink all the tear drop tea at my pity party" I've been guilty of this on numerous occasions, but at least at the end of the day I know I'm lucky and have a great set of friends and life, and possible future.
The people who are utterly convinced their life is a suckish pit of suck because the girl they like won't cover them in kisses who goes to this school and lives in this neighborhood are what get me. It could always be worse.
Song of the Day: "Say it's Possible" cover by Jay Brennan
The song is a pity party. Irony.
Numb.
There's a quote from a Tree Grows In Brooklyn I'd like to throw in here however I don't wanna butcher it without the book in front of me. It's something along the lines of wanting to feel something, no matter what, rather than nothing.
Right now all I feel is the pain in stomach and my aching exhaustion.
If I could hide out with you I'd just take the day and sleep. And breathe. And live.
And not want to stab my eye out with my pen in Algebra 2.
I'm surprised I haven't jumped out the second story window of that classroom yet.
If I had more energy I'd bitch about people....but I don't even have the energy to do a super rant.
However, this whole teenage angst "I hate my life for no apparent reason, and either I'm going to hide it, but write all these clever, witty lyrics about how I so nobily hide my obnoxious complaining, or I'm going to shout my 'sadness' from the tree tops and drink all the tear drop tea at my pity party" I've been guilty of this on numerous occasions, but at least at the end of the day I know I'm lucky and have a great set of friends and life, and possible future.
The people who are utterly convinced their life is a suckish pit of suck because the girl they like won't cover them in kisses who goes to this school and lives in this neighborhood are what get me. It could always be worse.
Song of the Day: "Say it's Possible" cover by Jay Brennan
The song is a pity party. Irony.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Baby, I Was Born This Way
Okay, so I did just quote a Gaga song that sounds like a Madonna song and is quite pop-ish, but you know what? That's irrelevant. It's a good song. And catchy. And it might be the anthem of 2011.
And you know what else?
I've been beaten down, horrified of myself, the rumors that haunt me like a curse, the curse of my past....the curse of him. Though they don't mean a thing to me know, those people still manage to give me shit via the rumor mill.
I'm hoping internally one of you are reading this. And I will not give you the satisfaction of watching me try to defend myself helplessly from the hell hole that is high school. I can sit here and type vehemently that all of these rumors are lies and that I am better than that, but it would be a waste of internet space. Of course, basically everything I say on the internet is a waste. Ah, well. But I won't give them the satisfaction of anything.
Because, when it comes down to it, all I've got are my real friends, the one's who know the rumors aren't true, and everyone else can go suck cow nipples.
I could also sit here and tell you that I don't feel any of these attacks. I feel every word whispered about me behind my back, and every glare I get. And, truthfully, it's not often about me.
My point is the following: I've gotten this far. I've been to hell and back. And there is no way I'm going back there. I've made it through. And he will never, ever, ever win. I will not regret, because it never happened. He will never, ever, win, as long as I have my strength.
Don't be a drag, just be a Queen.
Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll
Song of the Day: *You guessed it* "Born this Way" Lady Gaga
And you know what else?
I've been beaten down, horrified of myself, the rumors that haunt me like a curse, the curse of my past....the curse of him. Though they don't mean a thing to me know, those people still manage to give me shit via the rumor mill.
I'm hoping internally one of you are reading this. And I will not give you the satisfaction of watching me try to defend myself helplessly from the hell hole that is high school. I can sit here and type vehemently that all of these rumors are lies and that I am better than that, but it would be a waste of internet space. Of course, basically everything I say on the internet is a waste. Ah, well. But I won't give them the satisfaction of anything.
Because, when it comes down to it, all I've got are my real friends, the one's who know the rumors aren't true, and everyone else can go suck cow nipples.
I could also sit here and tell you that I don't feel any of these attacks. I feel every word whispered about me behind my back, and every glare I get. And, truthfully, it's not often about me.
My point is the following: I've gotten this far. I've been to hell and back. And there is no way I'm going back there. I've made it through. And he will never, ever, ever win. I will not regret, because it never happened. He will never, ever, win, as long as I have my strength.
Don't be a drag, just be a Queen.
Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll
Song of the Day: *You guessed it* "Born this Way" Lady Gaga
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Let The Sun Rain Down On Me
Well, well, well, Panic! at the Disco is back mfers! Between "The Ballad of Mona Lisa" and the live versions of "Let's Kill Tonight" and "Nearly Witches" I've been on music cloud nine. Might be the only thing keeping me on the surface from falling into a homework rut.
So many damn essays...anyway, I'm pretty sure I love my friends more than life itself. Thank God I have them. I don't know what I'd do without these guys.
So, I have nothing interesting to say.
Here's a song cookie!
Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll
<3 <3 <3
So many damn essays...anyway, I'm pretty sure I love my friends more than life itself. Thank God I have them. I don't know what I'd do without these guys.
So, I have nothing interesting to say.
Here's a song cookie!
Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll
<3 <3 <3
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Believe What You Are
Believe, believe in me, believe, believe. The lives are changed but you're not sunken in, we're not the same, we're different....We'll crucify the insincere tonight. We'll make it right, we'll feel it all tonight. We'll find a way to offer up tonight. The indescribable moments of your life, tonight. The impossible is possible tonight, tonight. So believe in me, cause I'll believe in you. Tonight, tonight.
I awoke one morning
To a lavender sky
With clouds of lilac
And the air of sweetness, so soft
That the touch of your hands
Faded into blur
And the world was bright
He turned off the light
And I turned on mine.
With a swelling sun, and heat melting away
The storms that once roared
Rain that stained
And left my heart alive.
Dry your roses
Crush your sweet words
Drain the bursting hearts
Heal the infection, and ruin infliction
Bury diamonds under centuries of death
Stain white dresses with red
Forget the misplacing of flowers
But remember, if only for a moment,
For a breath of loveliness
That there is always love
Where earth has grown cold, and skies blackened
With charcoal grey clouds
Floating of waste, undying to hear
The memories haunt all that is near
And acid rain burns away all flesh untouched
Even there,
There is love.
One morning I awoke
To lavender skies
With lilac clouds
Without you.
And I knew it was always me.
Full of love within.
Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll
Hello, random Beyonce "Freakum Dress"
I awoke one morning
To a lavender sky
With clouds of lilac
And the air of sweetness, so soft
That the touch of your hands
Faded into blur
And the world was bright
He turned off the light
And I turned on mine.
With a swelling sun, and heat melting away
The storms that once roared
Rain that stained
And left my heart alive.
Dry your roses
Crush your sweet words
Drain the bursting hearts
Heal the infection, and ruin infliction
Bury diamonds under centuries of death
Stain white dresses with red
Forget the misplacing of flowers
But remember, if only for a moment,
For a breath of loveliness
That there is always love
Where earth has grown cold, and skies blackened
With charcoal grey clouds
Floating of waste, undying to hear
The memories haunt all that is near
And acid rain burns away all flesh untouched
Even there,
There is love.
One morning I awoke
To lavender skies
With lilac clouds
Without you.
And I knew it was always me.
Full of love within.
Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll
Hello, random Beyonce "Freakum Dress"
Saturday, January 8, 2011
If I Was From Paris
Grace Potter and the Nocturnals. "Paris"
Pretty sure that video and song are just sex in music form.
Anyway, midterms are approaching along with a shit load of English...so I really should be working. Oh well. On the upside, I bought a corset to complete my burlesque costume...and few new sweaters and tops. I'm pretty excited. My Burlesque outfit is complete. Now I just have to work out...and not have just eaten a huge meal and photograph it all. I will find somewhere to where it..eventually. Til then I'll keep a closet of seduciton clothing.
Kittehs are lovely.
And a bit of relaxation and care are almost as good as revenge because you realize that after it all, all the pain, insults, embarrassment, you're still the same person you were three months ago.
If I was a man, I'd make my move. If I was a blade, I'd shave you smooth. If I was a judge, I'd break the law. And if I was from Paris, if I was from Paris, I would say ooh la la lalala la la
Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll
Pretty sure that video and song are just sex in music form.
Anyway, midterms are approaching along with a shit load of English...so I really should be working. Oh well. On the upside, I bought a corset to complete my burlesque costume...and few new sweaters and tops. I'm pretty excited. My Burlesque outfit is complete. Now I just have to work out...and not have just eaten a huge meal and photograph it all. I will find somewhere to where it..eventually. Til then I'll keep a closet of seduciton clothing.
Kittehs are lovely.
And a bit of relaxation and care are almost as good as revenge because you realize that after it all, all the pain, insults, embarrassment, you're still the same person you were three months ago.
If I was a man, I'd make my move. If I was a blade, I'd shave you smooth. If I was a judge, I'd break the law. And if I was from Paris, if I was from Paris, I would say ooh la la lalala la la
Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll
Friday, December 31, 2010
Measure In Love
Fittingly, I watched RENT the whole way through for the first time last night, and yes I did just capitalize each letter like a noob. And yeah, I loved everything about it. La vie boheime. But it made me think about this year as a whole, so I spent most of my morning recovering from three hours of sleep trying to figure out what the hell this year was.
It was basically like a giant 'what the actual fuck' moment except it lasted 365 days.
First half of the year was basically calm, till the rug was ripped out from under me. I learned to watch who I trusted, and then had my reputation basically sent whirling out of control for two weeks. I nearly lost a best friend, though I'm pretty sure my damage was permanent.
The summer, however, was perfect. It was long and hot and...sounds alot like sex. Pretty sure that's what it feels like. It was great, definitely the best time of the year.
By the time freshman year started, I was already being thrown head over heels into a hurricane. I was spun around, forced so far down, and then shot back up so many times, my body finally gave out a couple weeks ago. I've got a pretty bad sinus infection that was brought on from weeks of working my ass off at school and stressing over homework and him and then going out Friday and Saturday night...barely sleeping and then starting the week all over again. That had gone on for three months...and finally it all just crashed down upon me.
But I've come out of it, and on this last day of 2010, through all the heartbreak and drama and mistakes, I stand here with no regret. I've had a great time, some of the best memories, made some of the greatest friends. And most of all I have loved, the greatest thing I can possibly accomplish. Whether I was loved back equally as I loved others is to be questioned for some people. I know people love me out there, and, really, I love you guys. The people who have stuck with me through this year and who have been picked up along the ride are the ones who matter.
So, in love, I've given myself to everyone around me, whether they know it or not, I do love everyone. But my resolution for next year is to learn to love myself, for real this time - not letting a pretty, green-eyed boy catch me off gaurd - and breathe the freedom and care of those around me. I will shine outwards, love the world around me, and stop the co-dependence.
With the help of my friends,this year has been beautiful in love.
It may not be the kind of love you're looking for, but you have to be grateful for what you've been given, which is always just what you need.
Hello, freedom, I've never been a friend of yours, but I'd like to get to know you. Hello, new year, I'm nervous to begin again, but glad to start over.
Hello, self, I've missed you, and I'm ready to get to know you better.
We are beautiful, no matter what you say.
"Poprocks and Coke" Green Day
Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll
It was basically like a giant 'what the actual fuck' moment except it lasted 365 days.
First half of the year was basically calm, till the rug was ripped out from under me. I learned to watch who I trusted, and then had my reputation basically sent whirling out of control for two weeks. I nearly lost a best friend, though I'm pretty sure my damage was permanent.
The summer, however, was perfect. It was long and hot and...sounds alot like sex. Pretty sure that's what it feels like. It was great, definitely the best time of the year.
By the time freshman year started, I was already being thrown head over heels into a hurricane. I was spun around, forced so far down, and then shot back up so many times, my body finally gave out a couple weeks ago. I've got a pretty bad sinus infection that was brought on from weeks of working my ass off at school and stressing over homework and him and then going out Friday and Saturday night...barely sleeping and then starting the week all over again. That had gone on for three months...and finally it all just crashed down upon me.
But I've come out of it, and on this last day of 2010, through all the heartbreak and drama and mistakes, I stand here with no regret. I've had a great time, some of the best memories, made some of the greatest friends. And most of all I have loved, the greatest thing I can possibly accomplish. Whether I was loved back equally as I loved others is to be questioned for some people. I know people love me out there, and, really, I love you guys. The people who have stuck with me through this year and who have been picked up along the ride are the ones who matter.
So, in love, I've given myself to everyone around me, whether they know it or not, I do love everyone. But my resolution for next year is to learn to love myself, for real this time - not letting a pretty, green-eyed boy catch me off gaurd - and breathe the freedom and care of those around me. I will shine outwards, love the world around me, and stop the co-dependence.
With the help of my friends,this year has been beautiful in love.
It may not be the kind of love you're looking for, but you have to be grateful for what you've been given, which is always just what you need.
Hello, freedom, I've never been a friend of yours, but I'd like to get to know you. Hello, new year, I'm nervous to begin again, but glad to start over.
Hello, self, I've missed you, and I'm ready to get to know you better.
We are beautiful, no matter what you say.
"Poprocks and Coke" Green Day
Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Stronger
Well, hello there new girl who you seem to adore so. She follows you like a lost puppy. She doesn't know you. As you act all victimized and hurt and 'oh woe is me lonely boy with a crazy ex' you've found yourself a...lovely new young woman. I do wish you well....somehow I keep telling myself I do, but you have just set yourself up to fail. Goodbye all care for you. Screw yourself over and stop acting like it was my fault.
Fuck you.
The irony of all the X-Tina songs that narrate this is intense. I'm glad no one has found this blog sometimes. My secret little child. Stay safe.
Peace, love, and rock n' roll.
Fuck you.
The irony of all the X-Tina songs that narrate this is intense. I'm glad no one has found this blog sometimes. My secret little child. Stay safe.
Peace, love, and rock n' roll.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas and happy holidays to everyone out there. I hope you're all save, and lovely, and warm and happy. And that you always will be.
However, I must self-indulge myself again and post this like every other woman who has had a guy step all over their faces.
YOU OUGHTA KNOW!
Phsychotic ex-girlfriend has stricken again.
I wish you well, I don't really mind, but this..you really oughta know of the mess you left when you went away. I don't want attention. I want you to know.
As numerous women have said before, the first verse of this is freakishly accurate...it's funny how low men go after you leave them. What a shame. She's almost like me, except...completely not good enough for you. shrug.
However, I must self-indulge myself again and post this like every other woman who has had a guy step all over their faces.
YOU OUGHTA KNOW!
Phsychotic ex-girlfriend has stricken again.
I wish you well, I don't really mind, but this..you really oughta know of the mess you left when you went away. I don't want attention. I want you to know.
As numerous women have said before, the first verse of this is freakishly accurate...it's funny how low men go after you leave them. What a shame. She's almost like me, except...completely not good enough for you. shrug.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Dancing at Discos
Two days before Christmas I realize how much peace I am finding within myself. I've got to find the colors and lights within myself, not because others think I'm vibrant or bright. Breathing through my nose is also something that I'll never take for granted...chest colds+life long asthma=not fun.
Hhowever, I'm finding some comfort in the music around me, the happiness of Christmas, and my friends. And "Merry Happy" by Kate Nash
Don't tell me that you didn't try to check out my bum, I know that you did, cause your friend told me that you liked it... Don't try and tell me you didn't love me, I know that you did, because you said it and you wrote it down.
There are a million things I could hate because of him, and there was a time when I thought I would.
I could never use chapstick
I could cry through Fiddler on the Roof
I could never go back to Ross Park Mall
I could never listen to Blink-182 again and cry whenever "I Miss You" comes on the radio
I could forever hate hazel/green eyes
I could never buy that obese golden retriever we wanted
I could never wear my cat ears I bought for you again
I could never wear the pair of jeggings you nearly fucked up.
I could never trust again.
I could never smile again.
I could never love again.
But I refuse to let myself fade like that. I am determined to be happy and be strong and hopefully to love again. I will not let you take me under.
Sitting at restaurants, thought we were so grownup, but I know that we were not the people that we turned out to be. Chatting on the phone, can't take back those hours, but I won't regret because I know you can grow flowers from where dirt used to be.
I guess you just have to learn to let your broken heart be a sign that you loved, took a chance, and lived. All you can do is rebuild. Life is too short to waste crying over spilled....milk? or stupid boys....or both...thank you for the ability to get stains out of jeggings. On that note, hope everyone is in the holiday spirit. Christmas, heck yes! I am excited and you should be too. Just because.
Hhowever, I'm finding some comfort in the music around me, the happiness of Christmas, and my friends. And "Merry Happy" by Kate Nash
Don't tell me that you didn't try to check out my bum, I know that you did, cause your friend told me that you liked it... Don't try and tell me you didn't love me, I know that you did, because you said it and you wrote it down.
There are a million things I could hate because of him, and there was a time when I thought I would.
I could never use chapstick
I could cry through Fiddler on the Roof
I could never go back to Ross Park Mall
I could never listen to Blink-182 again and cry whenever "I Miss You" comes on the radio
I could forever hate hazel/green eyes
I could never buy that obese golden retriever we wanted
I could never wear my cat ears I bought for you again
I could never wear the pair of jeggings you nearly fucked up.
I could never trust again.
I could never smile again.
I could never love again.
But I refuse to let myself fade like that. I am determined to be happy and be strong and hopefully to love again. I will not let you take me under.
Sitting at restaurants, thought we were so grownup, but I know that we were not the people that we turned out to be. Chatting on the phone, can't take back those hours, but I won't regret because I know you can grow flowers from where dirt used to be.
I guess you just have to learn to let your broken heart be a sign that you loved, took a chance, and lived. All you can do is rebuild. Life is too short to waste crying over spilled....milk? or stupid boys....or both...thank you for the ability to get stains out of jeggings. On that note, hope everyone is in the holiday spirit. Christmas, heck yes! I am excited and you should be too. Just because.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Boredom
Blogging in school is definitely cool. The day before winter break is completely pointless...other than for masses of candy canes and presents. Phone just went off...probably another pocket dial. Uber rawr. Sickness isn't fun but presents and hats are.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Change Is Hard.
I Hate Compliments
Ice
Splits every crack in the pavement
After we’ve rolled the dice
My soul’s been trapped in enslavement
It burns every part of me
The way your hands used to
Somehow the pain I wish you’d see
Or maybe for it to suffocate you
So I can hear your breath choke
The way your voice used to
With the moan my lips could only provoke
But
My Sweet Angel Dear,
Your green eyes soften me so
That the hurt must disappear
The way I used to blow
For I don’t want you, no
I need to hold every part
And never let go
Unless to rip out thy heart
So
I can shred it to shatters
And watch you cry
The way you used to be all that matters
So you can die
Always by my side
Buried in this grave, ‘Twould suffice
Layered in century’s of Ice
My heart creates scary things when I hurt....This was my final release. The last tear I'll cry for him, the last hour of sleep lost. I've just let it go. A new lady has already stricken his boyish 'heart' while I have found some form of Christmas spirit. Plus, I asked Santa for some happiness this time around. I'm sick and tired of this man PMS drama, so I'm running as far away from this as I can.
"Change is Hard" She and Him -
Btw, blogger format ruined the pretty structure of the poem...it looked better before.
Ice
Splits every crack in the pavement
After we’ve rolled the dice
My soul’s been trapped in enslavement
It burns every part of me
The way your hands used to
Somehow the pain I wish you’d see
Or maybe for it to suffocate you
So I can hear your breath choke
The way your voice used to
With the moan my lips could only provoke
But
My Sweet Angel Dear,
Your green eyes soften me so
That the hurt must disappear
The way I used to blow
For I don’t want you, no
I need to hold every part
And never let go
Unless to rip out thy heart
So
I can shred it to shatters
And watch you cry
The way you used to be all that matters
So you can die
Always by my side
Buried in this grave, ‘Twould suffice
Layered in century’s of Ice
My heart creates scary things when I hurt....This was my final release. The last tear I'll cry for him, the last hour of sleep lost. I've just let it go. A new lady has already stricken his boyish 'heart' while I have found some form of Christmas spirit. Plus, I asked Santa for some happiness this time around. I'm sick and tired of this man PMS drama, so I'm running as far away from this as I can.
"Change is Hard" She and Him -
Btw, blogger format ruined the pretty structure of the poem...it looked better before.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Goodbye, Sweet Decadance
We're lost it all, the love is gone. And we had magic, and this is tragic, you couldn't keep your hands to yourself. I feel like our world's been infected, and somehow you left me neglected. We found our live's been changed. Babe, you lost me.
Funny how that song cuts a little too close to home. Well, as everything that settles can settle and I attempt to rebuild my grades to no avail, everything is just spiralling out of control...far too fast for me to notice I've been gone.
And I will stand by you like a toy soldier. Prop me up, set my hands just right to pull you up out of where you have fallen. No matter how many times you've knocked me down.
But I've got to move forward, I can't sit here and let myself sink any lower. I owe it to the people around me not to be a mobile rain-cloud all the time. I'll work for the people around me, until I can rebuild myself...right...that may never happen again. Ah, well. Too much going on to sit in a bath of self-pity all night.
And we were sweet, but you chose lust when you decieved me, and you'll regret it, but it's too late. How can I ever trust anyone again?
Funny how that song cuts a little too close to home. Well, as everything that settles can settle and I attempt to rebuild my grades to no avail, everything is just spiralling out of control...far too fast for me to notice I've been gone.
And I will stand by you like a toy soldier. Prop me up, set my hands just right to pull you up out of where you have fallen. No matter how many times you've knocked me down.
But I've got to move forward, I can't sit here and let myself sink any lower. I owe it to the people around me not to be a mobile rain-cloud all the time. I'll work for the people around me, until I can rebuild myself...right...that may never happen again. Ah, well. Too much going on to sit in a bath of self-pity all night.
And we were sweet, but you chose lust when you decieved me, and you'll regret it, but it's too late. How can I ever trust anyone again?
Saturday, December 11, 2010
The Point of It All
But it's better to spend your life watching life change at a comatose rate then to put yourself in it and become one of those cigarette ads that you hate.
Though it seems I'm ungrateful, I've never been so thankful for the beautiful friends I have. Thank you guys for all the support you have given me while I wallow in his wake. I love all of you. And plan on me pulling you out of every hole you may stumble into in the future.
Oh, but no one can stare at the wall as good as you my baby doll. And you're racist for playing along. You're almost human after all. Why on Earth would I keep you locked up in here, when you so love the fall. Well, the patterns laid out on the bed with hundreds of colors of thread, but you've got the needle I guess that's the point in the end.
Amanda Palmer may is one of the best song writers ever. Hands down. I can't even begin to explain how much I love her and am fascinated by her work. All the words cept my middle paragraph belong to her.
Though it seems I'm ungrateful, I've never been so thankful for the beautiful friends I have. Thank you guys for all the support you have given me while I wallow in his wake. I love all of you. And plan on me pulling you out of every hole you may stumble into in the future.
Oh, but no one can stare at the wall as good as you my baby doll. And you're racist for playing along. You're almost human after all. Why on Earth would I keep you locked up in here, when you so love the fall. Well, the patterns laid out on the bed with hundreds of colors of thread, but you've got the needle I guess that's the point in the end.
Amanda Palmer may is one of the best song writers ever. Hands down. I can't even begin to explain how much I love her and am fascinated by her work. All the words cept my middle paragraph belong to her.
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