Velvet Skies

Life doesn't prepare you for alot of things.

You hear stories growing up about epic moments. The first time you learn how to ride a bike, your first day of 6 hour school, your first soccor game, your first dance recital, your first best friend, your first crush, youur first boyz/girlz party (whoa there preteen awkwardness), your first kiss(Even worse), your first orgasm, losing your virginity (and no, those do not have to be the same occassion), your last day of high school, graduation, your first day of college, your first drunken night at college, your first all-nighter cramming for a calc test, ETC! but did anyone once tell you how the hell they actually felt after one of these moments?


I think you get the point. The funny thing is, you don't always internalize these moments. They happen like the running film of a movie, while you just stand by watching.

Growing up is scary as shit. Every once in a long while I want to go curl up on the couch and watch the Little Mermaid and Cinderella on repeat, drinking chocolate milk from a sippy cup. However, strangely, I've found everything completely natural. That's the scary party.

I don't feel gawky or freakish or over-grown anymore. I just feel like myself, like some normal teenage girl, in a normal neighborhood, with normal*ahemslightlyabornomal* friends, and a perfectly normal family. I love it, honestly.

So what I'm trying to say is, don't plan these moments. Don't sit there fantasizing over your first kiss or boyfriend or mixed gender party or college graduation. Just let your life happen, and try to keep your head up. Don't be afraid of change or all these 'epic' moments, that really aren't all that epic.

Oh the horrors of becoming normal. I'm actually excited.

Peace, Love, and Rock n Roll
Song of the Day:

Sexy, huh?
Hold me, I get lonely, I get lonely, so lonely, I'm losing my mind.

Candles

I'm beginning to see the light

Sometimes, I don't know what to say, so I listen to music and let it do all the talking.

But sometimes it's not enough. I just mix the melodies in my head until all I hear is madness

Tonight, it's this thrown in with some closure:

Baby, I Was Born This Way

Okay, so I did just quote a Gaga song that sounds like a Madonna song and is quite pop-ish, but you know what? That's irrelevant. It's a good song. And catchy. And it might be the anthem of 2011.

And you know what else?

I've been beaten down, horrified of myself, the rumors that haunt me like a curse, the curse of my past....the curse of him. Though they don't mean a thing to me know, those people still manage to give me shit via the rumor mill.

I'm hoping internally one of you are reading this. And I will not give you the satisfaction of watching me try to defend myself helplessly from the hell hole that is high school. I can sit here and type vehemently that all of these rumors are lies and that I am better than that, but it would be a waste of internet space. Of course, basically everything I say on the internet is a waste. Ah, well. But I won't give them the satisfaction of anything.

Because, when it comes down to it, all I've got are my real friends, the one's who know the rumors aren't true, and everyone else can go suck cow nipples.

I could also sit here and tell you that I don't feel any of these attacks. I feel every word whispered about me behind my back, and every glare I get. And, truthfully, it's not often about me.

My point is the following: I've gotten this far. I've been to hell and back. And there is no way I'm going back there. I've made it through. And he will never, ever, ever win. I will not regret, because it never happened. He will never, ever, win, as long as I have my strength.

Don't be a drag, just be a Queen.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll

Song of the Day: *You guessed it* "Born this Way" Lady Gaga

Measure In Love

Fittingly, I watched RENT the whole way through for the first time last night, and yes I did just capitalize each letter like a noob. And yeah, I loved everything about it. La vie boheime. But it made me think about this year as a whole, so I spent most of my morning recovering from three hours of sleep trying to figure out what the hell this year was.

It was basically like a giant 'what the actual fuck' moment except it lasted 365 days.

First half of the year was basically calm, till the rug was ripped out from under me. I learned to watch who I trusted, and then had my reputation basically sent whirling out of control for two weeks. I nearly lost a best friend, though I'm pretty sure my damage was permanent.

The summer, however, was perfect. It was long and hot and...sounds alot like sex. Pretty sure that's what it feels like. It was great, definitely the best time of the year.

By the time freshman year started, I was already being thrown head over heels into a hurricane. I was spun around, forced so far down, and then shot back up so many times, my body finally gave out a couple weeks ago. I've got a pretty bad sinus infection that was brought on from weeks of working my ass off at school and stressing over homework and him and then going out Friday and Saturday night...barely sleeping and then starting the week all over again. That had gone on for three months...and finally it all just crashed down upon me.

But I've come out of it, and on this last day of 2010, through all the heartbreak and drama and mistakes, I stand here with no regret. I've had a great time, some of the best memories, made some of the greatest friends. And most of all I have loved, the greatest thing I can possibly accomplish. Whether I was loved back equally as I loved others is to be questioned for some people. I know people love me out there, and, really, I love you guys. The people who have stuck with me through this year and who have been picked up along the ride are the ones who matter.

So, in love, I've given myself to everyone around me, whether they know it or not, I do love everyone. But my resolution for next year is to learn to love myself, for real this time - not letting a pretty, green-eyed boy catch me off gaurd - and breathe the freedom and care of those around me. I will shine outwards, love the world around me, and stop the co-dependence.

With the help of my friends,this year has been beautiful in love.

It may not be the kind of love you're looking for, but you have to be grateful for what you've been given, which is always just what you need.

Hello, freedom, I've never been a friend of yours, but I'd like to get to know you. Hello, new year, I'm nervous to begin again, but glad to start over.
Hello, self, I've missed you, and I'm ready to get to know you better.



We are beautiful, no matter what you say.

"Poprocks and Coke" Green Day

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll

Sweet Darlin'

And I'm late again! These posts are getting so thin and far between...it's frightening. And suddenly Thanksgiving has gone and past! Family and food and whatnot, until I puked my guts out. And then lay pathetically on the freezing bathroom floor for a good hour. Fun.

Not much to say, still trying to hold on to my confidence-trust mantra, it's alot easier said than done. My expectations are far too high to ever hit realistic, so I'll turn away from my phone and listen to some music.

Good plan, until every damn song reminds me of you.

Ahh, the first snow fell again this morning. It was a frightening site, all windy and blustery as if my memories of flip flops and the pool blew away right before my eyes. Sickening, I remembered how much I absolutely hate the cold, almost as much as I hate being alone. The combination of both just makes me wanna start puking again.

My Christmas list this year is quite short, and reads as the following:

You
You
You
and then you all over again.

I can't ask for more than you. Merry Christmas, I could care less! This will be a miserable season, if I don't get to be with you that much. It hurts enough as it is going this entire damn break and only seeing you once.

These posts are becoming personal letters addressed to you know who. Child never reads this so meh, who gives a fuck?

Song of the Day: Mariah Carey just got pwned in the large face by My Chemical Romance on this one.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll

Jar of Hearts

Hello, it's so nice to see you here!

Well, I feel a bit guilt for leaving this blog for a month. I'm not quite sure what happened, but whenever I tried to write, nothing came out right. Not to mention, it was all me radiating happiness, without anything else to say because nothing else was on my mind.

For the last month, it's been a whirlwind of work and whatever the hell else has been going on. Living on this week to week basis has made everything go so quickly, I didn't even have a chance to breathe. Thankfully, I've made it to a break, one and a half days, so I stopped for a second to look around.

And I've had another crack, when it all came together, and I realized what's been missing. Why I can't trust. I've got to trust myself and believe in myself, and love myself before I can ever love another. I knew this before, but didn't see the effects till a few weeks ago. I push the ones I care about the most because I don't think I'm worth their love. I sit there, suspicious, questioning every compliment (tehe), not believing where you say you are only because I don't think I'm worth your honesty. The paranoia has to end. I've got to grow above hating myself, and accept who I am, so I can put it all outwards, give you my everything.

Why am I writing in second person?

Anyway, I've got to heal. I want to be happy, and if you're what that means, then I'll take it, but no one else can heal me. It's something I've got to do.

How is the question.

How do I trust again? Close my eyes, and hope blindly it's all real? I was never that naive, even as a child. It's not faith, if I use my eyes, so...heregoesnothin...trust. I deserve your honesty. I deserve your love. And it's all I can think about, but I've got to rework my balance. You said, "Remember." So I am. I'll always remember what you said to me, and it keeps me pushing through all the suspicion, which is completely uncalled for, and all the loneliness. Just one more week.

It's all I can do to love myself, so I can send it outwards. I hope it will happen. I'll have to make it happen.

But I am happy, and am looking at a three day weekend! Gonna spend it with my friends and have a kick ass time. Squee. I'll take one deep breath, clear my mind, and remember.

On a side note, I'd post homecoming pictures if there weren't other people in them...and I'd feel like a pedo posting other people on here. The pictures are all hilariously bad or awkward other than a few. Even in those my face is so made up it looks ridiculous. Ah, well, I had a fantastic night, even if it wasn't perfect, I don't think it could have been better, if that makes sense.

Song of the Day: "Lucky" by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat. Don't ask why, I've never been too fond of either of them, but this song caught my ears. I do feel like the luckiest girl.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll

Not Like I Used to Be

So any average scene-indie-emo kid would speak of dreams, wanting to move to a big city live in a crap apartment with their partner in crime, a lifelong boyfriend or a best friend, work in a crappy coffee shop job while supporting their band, or novel, or art gallery. And yes, just maybe I'd always wanted this...my fun beginning where I'll meet indie-dark-haired-mucisian charming prince man and have my own little family with a fence and a dog and two kids, Ryden and Cassandra. Yes, I have planned that out. Only this is because the dream supports my own moral, or belief, or whathaveyou, that love is the only thing that will ever matter. I don't want money, which I'd need to find that apartment in NYC and to fund my eclectic wierdo expensive fashion taste; I just want my best friends and husband and kids.

Which I've said before, but I have to keep reminding myself. And I'll let it prop me up against all the fame and beauty I could be jealous of. But having a guy is not all that matters. I've got my friends and family to love, and that's okay. When the right guy presents himself, right is the key word in that sentence, there have been plenty unwanted presents, I'll just lick it up like icing on a cake. That wasn't supposed to be sexual. But it really, really sounded that way. Fail. But I'm happy with this, and apparently this is the happiest I've ever been, like my father said. I hope you can find it, too.

The reason for this post is because, wait for it....drumroll I'm going on vacation tomorrow! Here the angel choir sing! Flying to Boston, driving to Bar Harbour, taking the train to New York City. I will be reading, if I can find my book, and listening to music through my obnoxiously large Skull Candy headphones. It's all about the aesthetics for a bit here.

This week has been incredible. My birthday on Monday was amazing. Ms. Feeler and my other wife went to the zoo, and ate cake, and Ms. Feeler 'Spencer Smithed' up the hill. We have officially freaked out the neighbors too many times. Then, I had a bunch of my girls over Friday night. We went to see Scott Pilgrim. As surreal and trippy as it was, Trippin on Balls, I enjoyed it. But as the weekend came in, everyone went home, Ms. Feeler went to Vermont, and I'm exhausted to no end. And I still need to pack.

Mostly, I just miss Ms. Feeler. To a ridiculous amount. We didn't go more than 5 or 6days this summer without seeing each other this summer. 9 might kill me. I might have to storm her family on our way to Maine. We'll just make a left turn and end up in Vermont....right. We're definitely a married couple. Deal with it!




On a side note, jealousy over celebrity crush girlfriend hate thing needs to end. I just watched a video of Brendon Urie dedicating a song his girlfriend and there was HATE in the comment section. Okay, girls, as much as we love him, please realize that you will never, ever date him, or have a chance. It's something that crushes a million teenage girls a year, but even the Jonas girl freaks get it eventually. He's happy, they're adorable together, that's all that needs to be said. Brendon Urie happy, is basically all that matters. And he and Spencer churn out another goddamn record. I'm getting impatient.

Anyway, Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll. Love you and talk to you in a week.

Song of the Day: "Three Little Birds" covered by Bden.

Hold a Smile

It's times like these I'd like to linger in the sunlight. While it's all golden and burning and bright. I'll take a deep breath recollect it all. The memories lock in my mind. The flash of your eyes, the fireflies, the night sky, the innocence, and the impure. They all run together, like the montage that should play at my wedding. My wedding, something that may never happen, or maybe something that should play at my graduation. A quick slideshow, a blur of emotions turn my body abuzz.

And just when I've made peace with this, I just sit across from one week dude's family at a restaurant. It was quite awkward, with my brother and mother next to me, all I could do was bury my head, smile and eat. And text and talk about my friends, the good times we've had. Maybe that's the key. Looking away from what you can't erase, letting it slowly fade in time, and smile. Keep it there against your lips. And eat your nerves and uncomfortable meetings away.

I am happy. I'll take another deep breath. I'll close my eyes. And fill it with the memories that I don't want to erase. So this smile won't be labored. Just resting upon my lips. I like the sound of that. The confidence I've been looking for has been here all along inside of me. I've just got to open my heart to it and live.

Maybe I'm not beauty, but it's alright. The boys still come around. But I can't let what other people say define me anymore. The dirty looks those girls gave across the table. Oh, it's done, over, just life. My appearance, and my soul, will not break the surface of the earth. I will not be a superstar, I will not sing my heart out, I will not be a princess, I will not break millions of barriers, anything's possible-maybe I could with loads of autotune, but I don't care. I've got the love, the heart, the smile. That's what matters. Not how much money you get to spend of your parents, not how many purses you get, not how many karots that diamond is on your hand. It's the love. In the words of Christofer Drew, Love is the weapon for this wounded generation. Love is the only thing that's kept me believing.

So maybe I don't want a man, nor need one, maybe i need reassurance. Reassurance in myself is what seems to drive me crazy. But I've heard it enough, maybe not from the source I'd expect, but I'm going to believe. I'll hold this smile for the world to see. Take me on. And burn me with life. Let this sky never end. The moon never set. The clothes never loosen. The laughs never soften. Your eyes never stop burning. The music never quiet. It just takes some time, I'm in the middle of the ride, everything will be just fine. And yes I did just say that. Wow, I'm a sap.

I survived summer gym. I'm in the best shape ever. Really, I should feel beautiful. I deserve too. Maybe I will. I feel beautiful. That sounds odd....embracing the odd, my children! embrace the odd.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll
Song of the Day: More nevershoutnever. It just fit today. <3

Today the first winter snow fell, in tiny little flakes, drifting and swirling through the air. It made everything wet and cold, only dusting the ground, but it set the stage for the rest of my day. The smallest things make the biggest impact nowadays. So the rest of the day, while it snowed, I didn't change the radio station when all those cheesy christmas songs came on, or stare apethitcally out the window. It got me in enough holiday spirit that I ended up making cookies, which I think I broiled instead of baked. The first batch isn't entirely cooked. So I think I might get food poisening. I'm waiting for the sick feeling now. Oh, well.

Ma mere is out shopping and mon pere is at work, so I'm stuck at home with mon petite frere. Ugh. And his friend. Who just play COD ALL DAY! I swear I can see the graphics in my sleep. I should be doing geometry homework, or finishing a chapter in RITF, but nooooo. I'm reading fanfiction and baking cookies and blogging. Why? Because I can. Not having school empowers me. And because I have not an ounce of concentration.

I went to a friend's party last night and had a blasty blast. Everyone there was the most random motley crew of kids you could've picked. The only we really shared in common was music taste, Converse sneakers (I made a costom pare with purple zebra stripes, and, yeah, they're pretty bitchin), and DesandNate.

He makes me so angry I want to kill a magician and where him as an outfit travelling on a trip to hawaii!




Anyway, there's a sharp contrast from the preppy-perfect table I switch back and forth from at lunch, where everyone eats their lunch without a crumb misplaced, never swears, and wear purity rings, not that theres anything wrong with that, and my friends I was with last night. A poser-gay kid molested a friend and I and there was an Abby squared spooning session. It only makes me love the people I hang out more. And then we skateboarded in a giant methodist church parking lot. There was no expensive food, fancy clothes, or cups/plates, but that was one of the better nights of my life.

The point is: embrace the cheese, laugh, love, and live a little. A little bit of fun never hurt anyone. And you don't need money or beauty to have a good time. It's time to take off your serious panties and put on the frilly polka dot thong. Do it!

Oh, and if you don't like what you read, go somewhere else, like a less honest, boring blog.

Peace, Love and Rock n' Roll!
Song of the Day:

Growing Up or Going Down?

So take your tears, put 'em on ice cause I swear I'd burn the city down to show you the light


As much as I love time off from school, it only makes me realize how dependent I am on mon copain. This entire weekend has been fine, though I've been entirely alone, my friends not seeming to want to do anything together, so I'm just sitting here wishing I had any idea how he was doing. My sanity slips away when were apart a little too long.

I didn't hear from him yesterday, but distracted myself by watching the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame Concert. Bruce Springsteen always manages to put me in a good mood. Ma mere and I sang along to Born to Run, and I felt ok.

And then I woke up this morning, watched Say Yes to the Dress, which is really quite amusing. Hmmm. I need to make a dream wedding dress post, which is only evidence of this whole hopeless romantic thing. I've always wanted to wear Helena's dress in the My Chemical Romance video. Or just jeans and t-shirt

Ugh, ADHD is kicking in.

Anyway, I decided to look in the Mirror, and that friggin thing just reflected another disgusting reflection and this one sent me over the edge. First came the utter frustration, and then the let down. I'm so tired of this body.

On top of that, there's this kid I've been helping out. I asked the girl he likes out for him, gave him advice, comforted him when she rejected him, basically playing mommy/girl who can be used. My overall sweet, nice to everyone personality makes me a prime target for being used. It's happened before and will happen again. Well, he decides to go and tell me I'm unattractive and ugly.

I'm so done with being nice to everyone, helping everyone. It's gotten me nowhere. Men will always use me. They'll always think of me as the ugly girl that can help them, whether its for some confidence or to make their girlfriend jealous. Really, I'm done. I've tried my entire life to be someone that's good and loving, but it's only broken my heart ten times over. I never cared much about the kid, but it hurts nonetheless.

In my self-loathing meltdown, my mother told me that I was just as vain as the other douchebags that are referred to as peers, if I hated myself just because of they way I look. And it's true. That's where the insecurity comes from. And I think it's time for a major self re-evaluation. I will not care about how I look anymore. I'm in love with a sweet boy, and I'm cared for. I won't be greedy and ask for beauty. I will not shrink to the level of my peers and judge others only on appearance.

But I've concluded that being in love doesn't solve the problems that I have with myself. Those can only be solved by my soul. No one else can save me now. But I do miss him badly.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll.

Is Anybody Out There?

Bonjour!

(Insert witty opening line here)

So if you're reading this, for whatever reason, you may or may not know anything about me. I'm going to attempt not to directly characterize too much. Attempt is the key word in that sentence. You can love me, hate me, be completely and utterly indifferent and/or apathetic towards my existance, and I will care. Because I'm human and have that deep, scary yearning to be accepted. So go ahead, judge away!

Just so you know that you're not reading about a forty-year old man, I'll give you the basics

I'm Cirque, which should be somewhere on this page, I'm 14, just legal for blogspot. I live in the suburbs of Pittsburgh, which is...bland. It's cold and grey and decaying outside. Ew. Anyway, I'm currently in a relationship with a lovely boy who's name shall be anonymous. I shall refer to him as mon compain. My boyfriend. There are no French accents on this computer so I will try to resist butchering the language. Though it is fun to curse. Merde!

Immature, I know

Well, I'll try to post here a lot, and plan on doing a favorites post soon. Favorite food, music, dino brand all that good stuff. Dinosaurs should be cereal brands. T-Rex Toast Crunch. Yum.

Direct Characterization: I'm random. Not surprising.

Well this was an epic fail first start, but, hey, we all have to start somewhere.

Xoxo Love for Always.

By the way, I'm a violinist *ahem* Concert Mistress for the middle school orchestra - brag- so I found the heart strings title fitting.