Not Like I Used to Be

So any average scene-indie-emo kid would speak of dreams, wanting to move to a big city live in a crap apartment with their partner in crime, a lifelong boyfriend or a best friend, work in a crappy coffee shop job while supporting their band, or novel, or art gallery. And yes, just maybe I'd always wanted this...my fun beginning where I'll meet indie-dark-haired-mucisian charming prince man and have my own little family with a fence and a dog and two kids, Ryden and Cassandra. Yes, I have planned that out. Only this is because the dream supports my own moral, or belief, or whathaveyou, that love is the only thing that will ever matter. I don't want money, which I'd need to find that apartment in NYC and to fund my eclectic wierdo expensive fashion taste; I just want my best friends and husband and kids.

Which I've said before, but I have to keep reminding myself. And I'll let it prop me up against all the fame and beauty I could be jealous of. But having a guy is not all that matters. I've got my friends and family to love, and that's okay. When the right guy presents himself, right is the key word in that sentence, there have been plenty unwanted presents, I'll just lick it up like icing on a cake. That wasn't supposed to be sexual. But it really, really sounded that way. Fail. But I'm happy with this, and apparently this is the happiest I've ever been, like my father said. I hope you can find it, too.

The reason for this post is because, wait for it....drumroll I'm going on vacation tomorrow! Here the angel choir sing! Flying to Boston, driving to Bar Harbour, taking the train to New York City. I will be reading, if I can find my book, and listening to music through my obnoxiously large Skull Candy headphones. It's all about the aesthetics for a bit here.

This week has been incredible. My birthday on Monday was amazing. Ms. Feeler and my other wife went to the zoo, and ate cake, and Ms. Feeler 'Spencer Smithed' up the hill. We have officially freaked out the neighbors too many times. Then, I had a bunch of my girls over Friday night. We went to see Scott Pilgrim. As surreal and trippy as it was, Trippin on Balls, I enjoyed it. But as the weekend came in, everyone went home, Ms. Feeler went to Vermont, and I'm exhausted to no end. And I still need to pack.

Mostly, I just miss Ms. Feeler. To a ridiculous amount. We didn't go more than 5 or 6days this summer without seeing each other this summer. 9 might kill me. I might have to storm her family on our way to Maine. We'll just make a left turn and end up in Vermont....right. We're definitely a married couple. Deal with it!




On a side note, jealousy over celebrity crush girlfriend hate thing needs to end. I just watched a video of Brendon Urie dedicating a song his girlfriend and there was HATE in the comment section. Okay, girls, as much as we love him, please realize that you will never, ever date him, or have a chance. It's something that crushes a million teenage girls a year, but even the Jonas girl freaks get it eventually. He's happy, they're adorable together, that's all that needs to be said. Brendon Urie happy, is basically all that matters. And he and Spencer churn out another goddamn record. I'm getting impatient.

Anyway, Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll. Love you and talk to you in a week.

Song of the Day: "Three Little Birds" covered by Bden.

Becoming Who We Are

Bonjour, bonjour, how are you darlings? Or the two to three people who read this. Ah, well. So my summer is just about winding down, next week full of orchestra camp, my birthday tomorrow, bonfire, something Friday, and then two days till vacation. I'm quite excited. We're going to Bar Harbor, which is totes where the Obama's went on vacation, and then spending 3 days in New York City.

Leaving Pittsburgh is....great. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate the place, but I want to see bigger, better, less Steeler-centric things. I want to travel the world, see what I've been missing in this bubble. And I've always wanted to go to NYC. Not to mention I have some new sexy Guess jeggings to wear, which I might be in love with.



So I was going to attempt to say something epic as it's my last blog of being 14, but there is nothing. Other than I've had one of the best years of my life, finally found some place and fun and happiness. And the friends that matter more than anything in the world to me. They made this year and I hope they all know how much I love them. I haven't accomplished a ton, other than academics and violin solos. I've just experienced more, seen more, felt more, loved more. My eyes are open, my heart is open, my head is full and it's been pretty great looking back on it. There weren't any tragedies, nothing dramatic enough to kill my mood forever, and for that I'm grateful. I have more than I could've ever hoped for.

Cheers to another year of my life, 15 bitches!
*coughCHAUNCEYcough* ahem, I have a sore throat, my apologies. hehe

Song of the Day: There isn't one song to sum up what has happened, only an entire explosion of music running through my mind, but it can't be orchestrated into one song. So, maybe just for my future trip, "New York City Serenade" This song is one of the most beautiful I can think of.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll

Musical Madness

I could get used to this, friends and parties and pool and texting and talking all the time...interspersed with practicing and reading for summer reading, which is taking a ridiculously long time. I'm on panic cramming mode, but I have so much else going on I'm just zoning out to music to take a breather.

So....more Nevershoutnever. This song fits now. I'm turning fifteen in five days. Between the Taylor Swift song compared to this, it is quite entertaining. This is my fifteen, loves. Can't love Chris too much more. So what he might be a pot smoking jerk? pshhh:

Hey Monday "I Don't Wanna Dance" This is a message to all creepers/pedos. I don't wanna dance, I just wanna have fun, and you're not the one. Get yo hands off me. Yes I said yo.

The Brobecks "Love at First Site" Could it be love at first sight or should I walk by again? That pretty much says it all.

Panic! at the Disco's cover of Radiohead's "Karma Police" Yeah, yeah, yeah it can't compare to the original, something just comforts me in Brendon Urie's voice, so I'm posting this one. This song speaks for itself.

And, finally, Beyonce "Check On It" I love this song, and it's confidence and beyonce's beautiful voice and just her beautiful self make this song gold. Check on me tonight.
On that note, Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll

All the Pretty Girls

Sooo....I really don't want to do my summer reading packet right now. i just finished my first book and have two more to read in less than a month. Holy crap. It's cram time, btiches. The five hour train ride from Boston to NYC this summer actually sounds really helpful. I'll just sit there with my earphones shoved in my head blaring my music. Which will probably be New York City Serenade, Empire State of Mind, or Jungleland. And yes, I like the music to be a soundtrack of my life.

Tonight I'm distracting myself with Brendon Urie picspam. I've already stayed up all night goofing off with my friends mindlessly. And often we end up watching random band videos. Why? Because a video of Brendon Urie air thrusting midsong is better than feasting on more goldfish and watching Teen Mom.

If I sat here and posted all my favortie videos and pictures of him I'd be here all night. So I won't. All I know is that they're sadly not playing new stuff in China, as Zach said on LJ, but for the love of god throw us a freakin bone here! GAhhhhhh. Mother truckin long time for an album early 2011.

Deep breaths, abby, deep breaths.

I will be patient and wait for the album because it will be best for the boys and the music blah blah blah....ya they need to at least release a single...or finish the "oh glory" clip. And that does not mean add fake audio porn to the end of it! Distrubing! I won't even explain that! Random creeper fangirls doctoring song clips. Shudder. Anyway, I had to rant. Fall Out Boy isn't releasing anything in the near future hence the hiatus, Paramore's on tour and I'm missing it which pisses me off, but whatever, and All Time Low is releasing an album early 2011 too. so then I have two wives, on of which misses me and my other wife, and the other is keeping my hoodie hostage, jk take your time I don't miss it, it's hot, and has stolen my v-card.


Not that I didn't enjoy it. So basically I'm tired, insane, impatient, filled to the brim with creativity to write, but NO! I have to do summer reading. Blerg. Just
Blerg. C'mon panic, make my night here....shirtless photos will not silence fans.

Song of the Day: All the Pretty Girls by Fun.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll. Btw, that picture of us was taken late at night after watching Live in Chicago continually. And I was suffering from some feverish disease. Probably brought on from the sexiness.

Spend Your Life Waiting on a Moment That Won't Come

Good summer days should linger, slow, like an Indian Summer, a rariety in Pittsburgh. It's been an unually snowwy and cold winter, and now an unusually hot summer. The heat just slows everyone down to a crawl, forcing people to acknowledge what they've been missing. Last night and the night before I cracked my window, and watched the storm fly by with my friend. Those moments should be endless, the magic of the night sky and silence and darkness at 3 AM eternal.

I'm grateful for every moment of sunshine and the mystery of night. I want to lock this summer away in my mind, the moments both good and bad, and revel in them forever. Maybe things are getting better, or just crazier. Either way, I'm enjoying myself wholeheartedly. Whether I'm making a total fool of myself with my friends, goofing off at the pool, or dancing and singing at the top of my lungs at shows I've begun to realize that these are the moments in movies, minus the great soundtrack and fancy lighting.



These are the moments we'll laugh about when were older. I only hope I have my friends by my side to laugh along.


So don't waste your life waiting for things to happen. Make it happen, make the change. The dreams that you have never die. You have to become content, realize you have enough and make due with what you have, or change it. Such naivite is often broken through adolescence, but even as adults people still lock themselves in cubicles and hope that someone finds their writing onling or Pete Wentz discovers their no-name band on Myspace. Either your the next Panic! at the Disco and go for it, or learn to love what you have. Go take off your shoes, dance in the rain, run through the darkness, let the blood pump freely through your veins, and wear your broken heart on your sleeve to show you've taken that chance to love and be loved. So much wordiness.

I'm full of crap and exhausted at the moment. Shout out to Ms. Feeler who needs to feel better. I think she was infected last night at the fail fireworks.

Song of the Day: Panic! at the Disco "That Green Gentleman" I do miss the Panic! boys as whole, but I've got high hopes for Bren and Spencer. Let's go new album <3

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll

Hold a Smile

It's times like these I'd like to linger in the sunlight. While it's all golden and burning and bright. I'll take a deep breath recollect it all. The memories lock in my mind. The flash of your eyes, the fireflies, the night sky, the innocence, and the impure. They all run together, like the montage that should play at my wedding. My wedding, something that may never happen, or maybe something that should play at my graduation. A quick slideshow, a blur of emotions turn my body abuzz.

And just when I've made peace with this, I just sit across from one week dude's family at a restaurant. It was quite awkward, with my brother and mother next to me, all I could do was bury my head, smile and eat. And text and talk about my friends, the good times we've had. Maybe that's the key. Looking away from what you can't erase, letting it slowly fade in time, and smile. Keep it there against your lips. And eat your nerves and uncomfortable meetings away.

I am happy. I'll take another deep breath. I'll close my eyes. And fill it with the memories that I don't want to erase. So this smile won't be labored. Just resting upon my lips. I like the sound of that. The confidence I've been looking for has been here all along inside of me. I've just got to open my heart to it and live.

Maybe I'm not beauty, but it's alright. The boys still come around. But I can't let what other people say define me anymore. The dirty looks those girls gave across the table. Oh, it's done, over, just life. My appearance, and my soul, will not break the surface of the earth. I will not be a superstar, I will not sing my heart out, I will not be a princess, I will not break millions of barriers, anything's possible-maybe I could with loads of autotune, but I don't care. I've got the love, the heart, the smile. That's what matters. Not how much money you get to spend of your parents, not how many purses you get, not how many karots that diamond is on your hand. It's the love. In the words of Christofer Drew, Love is the weapon for this wounded generation. Love is the only thing that's kept me believing.

So maybe I don't want a man, nor need one, maybe i need reassurance. Reassurance in myself is what seems to drive me crazy. But I've heard it enough, maybe not from the source I'd expect, but I'm going to believe. I'll hold this smile for the world to see. Take me on. And burn me with life. Let this sky never end. The moon never set. The clothes never loosen. The laughs never soften. Your eyes never stop burning. The music never quiet. It just takes some time, I'm in the middle of the ride, everything will be just fine. And yes I did just say that. Wow, I'm a sap.

I survived summer gym. I'm in the best shape ever. Really, I should feel beautiful. I deserve too. Maybe I will. I feel beautiful. That sounds odd....embracing the odd, my children! embrace the odd.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll
Song of the Day: More nevershoutnever. It just fit today. <3

KIss. My. Sass.

So, guess who's single again? Who else other than myself. It felt odd at first, until I realized so much drama has been released. It's like the floor fell out from under me, and I'm free. My body feels shaky, uncontrolled, reckless. It's oddly liberating. This summer, I'm building myself stronger, higher, better. I'll return to that school in late august ready to take on high school wholeheartedly. One week dude was a douche, I knew it, and I don't mind. He's played so many girls, lied to all of them, and then they'd pity hiim, and new relationship. Just some charm and kisses to get some.

I always knew it, and didn't care. But now that it's happened to other girls, oh, I am just a little on the pissed side. Me? Who cares? I've been used and abused, it's not right and will not happen again. Though I can't help but be emotionally attached or more in love with being loved and fawned over whether for a week.

But now, I'm fine. A fire in my sould, confidence, or more a mentality of if you don't like me, oh well, and enough bikinis and pool time to tease and flirt all summer. Oh, don't even try to take me down. I've got my girls, a concert in three days, Adam Lambert hell yes!, and the body I've worked for over 6 months. Oh bootlicious and washboard flat abs. Note to liers, fakes, and douche bags: I don't care. I really don't.

I'm living it up; get out of my way. Going to Ms. Feelers. Win
Peace, Love, Rock n' Roll

Song of the Day: