The Dog Days Are Over

It's hard to describe why people hang onto things that aren't theirs. It's hard to explain why I can't let his face fade from my mind. It's hard to explain how much I want to see him and hold him yet feel like he deserves a slap of "Are you plain dumb?"

No matter where life goes, how many smiles I fake, how much I laugh, how many new shoes I buy, how many pounds I loose, how good I may look one night, will never bring him back. And it seems as if I may never be as happy as before, never find my high, and never love anyone nearly as much. I may be okay again, but never like I was for the last three months.

I sound ridiculous, immature, silly even. I killed him with kisses, my love, my heart, my everything...there is little of me he doesn't have, and nothing I wouldn't have let him hold. And for three months I was pretty sure he'd do the same for me.

Then, one evening, it all ripped out from under my feet.

Isn't that always how it happens?

So now I wear these marks as a badge, some form of proof that it hadn't been a beautiful nightmare, that I was 'loved' by whatever twisted definition of love he has. I'll never be the same, always hiding my marked soul away, in fear of being found out. My head spins more every second, my body out of control, my heart in shatters.

And I'd give the world just to see him smile, watch him laugh, hear him talk one more time. I always will yearn within the caverns of my heart for him.

Someday in the future, I'll be in a theater, eyes wide and full, vide of all the sparkle you gave them, watching you move on that screen, hear your voice, and watch you smile. I hope you'll make it, even if I sit there crying or silenced in missing you as I am now. However, there is a part of me that prays you'll get up for your biggest audition, hear a song drift in the window that reminds you of me, and you burst into huge mother fucking tears and bawl your eyes out, wishing I'd hold you once more, the way I have been for the past week.

But I know you've forgotten me already.

What Can You Do With a Sentimental Heart?

If I had words to describe whatever is happening, I would. But nothing makes any sense, but hundreds of songs, lines, and melodies mixed around in my head.

Write it off as another one who's killed me, but this was different. And I know that.

Cried all night till there was nothing more, what use am I as a heap on the floor?

Sweating All Your Blood

Breathe for love tomorrow


Hope is not a word I've ever understood, in order to protect myself from being let down. Now more than ever, all I can do is wait, close my eyes tight, and breathe. If you only cared.

I climb I slip I fall, reaching for your hand, but I lay here all alone, with my undying love.

Didn't I, My Dear?

I have officially fucked things up with my own insecurity.

And I know I won't be taken back.

I'm the only one to blame, no tears will bring him back, no words, no time, no nothing. And because I didn't love myself. I've been damned by my own words.
I could never apologize enough, or fix this. It seems so mellowdramatic as most of things involving myself become. Sorry isn't enough.

Vide of purpose, vide of life, vide of heart. I wish I could say goodbye, but I'd rather disappear.

Sweet Darlin'

And I'm late again! These posts are getting so thin and far between...it's frightening. And suddenly Thanksgiving has gone and past! Family and food and whatnot, until I puked my guts out. And then lay pathetically on the freezing bathroom floor for a good hour. Fun.

Not much to say, still trying to hold on to my confidence-trust mantra, it's alot easier said than done. My expectations are far too high to ever hit realistic, so I'll turn away from my phone and listen to some music.

Good plan, until every damn song reminds me of you.

Ahh, the first snow fell again this morning. It was a frightening site, all windy and blustery as if my memories of flip flops and the pool blew away right before my eyes. Sickening, I remembered how much I absolutely hate the cold, almost as much as I hate being alone. The combination of both just makes me wanna start puking again.

My Christmas list this year is quite short, and reads as the following:

You
You
You
and then you all over again.

I can't ask for more than you. Merry Christmas, I could care less! This will be a miserable season, if I don't get to be with you that much. It hurts enough as it is going this entire damn break and only seeing you once.

These posts are becoming personal letters addressed to you know who. Child never reads this so meh, who gives a fuck?

Song of the Day: Mariah Carey just got pwned in the large face by My Chemical Romance on this one.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll

Jar of Hearts

Hello, it's so nice to see you here!

Well, I feel a bit guilt for leaving this blog for a month. I'm not quite sure what happened, but whenever I tried to write, nothing came out right. Not to mention, it was all me radiating happiness, without anything else to say because nothing else was on my mind.

For the last month, it's been a whirlwind of work and whatever the hell else has been going on. Living on this week to week basis has made everything go so quickly, I didn't even have a chance to breathe. Thankfully, I've made it to a break, one and a half days, so I stopped for a second to look around.

And I've had another crack, when it all came together, and I realized what's been missing. Why I can't trust. I've got to trust myself and believe in myself, and love myself before I can ever love another. I knew this before, but didn't see the effects till a few weeks ago. I push the ones I care about the most because I don't think I'm worth their love. I sit there, suspicious, questioning every compliment (tehe), not believing where you say you are only because I don't think I'm worth your honesty. The paranoia has to end. I've got to grow above hating myself, and accept who I am, so I can put it all outwards, give you my everything.

Why am I writing in second person?

Anyway, I've got to heal. I want to be happy, and if you're what that means, then I'll take it, but no one else can heal me. It's something I've got to do.

How is the question.

How do I trust again? Close my eyes, and hope blindly it's all real? I was never that naive, even as a child. It's not faith, if I use my eyes, so...heregoesnothin...trust. I deserve your honesty. I deserve your love. And it's all I can think about, but I've got to rework my balance. You said, "Remember." So I am. I'll always remember what you said to me, and it keeps me pushing through all the suspicion, which is completely uncalled for, and all the loneliness. Just one more week.

It's all I can do to love myself, so I can send it outwards. I hope it will happen. I'll have to make it happen.

But I am happy, and am looking at a three day weekend! Gonna spend it with my friends and have a kick ass time. Squee. I'll take one deep breath, clear my mind, and remember.

On a side note, I'd post homecoming pictures if there weren't other people in them...and I'd feel like a pedo posting other people on here. The pictures are all hilariously bad or awkward other than a few. Even in those my face is so made up it looks ridiculous. Ah, well, I had a fantastic night, even if it wasn't perfect, I don't think it could have been better, if that makes sense.

Song of the Day: "Lucky" by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat. Don't ask why, I've never been too fond of either of them, but this song caught my ears. I do feel like the luckiest girl.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll

Here (In Your Arms)

Well, I really don't want to tackle my mountain of essays. So I thought I'd leave you a short little summary of my life. Lately, it's been madness, spazz, and simply living for the nearest Friday. I can make it! So while my heart is in Ohio(Hawthorne Heights reference, anyone?) I've been sitting here blaring random music. Very random music. "Drive All Night" by Springsteen is eternally jammed in my head, along with "Fire" which is just perfectly sexy. And then there's my obsession with the new My Chemical Romance song...but nothing quite sums up life better, or more frighteningly than the following song:

Katy Perry "Peacock" Warning: This song is highly disturbing. And this is coming from the girl who blares Blood on the Dance Floor. C'mon baby, lemme see what you're hiding underneath. Don't be a shy kinda guy, I bet it's beautiful. Yes, the lyrics are so horrifying the song has lodged iteslf in my brain. And traumatized me. Thanks Rach...I wake up in the middle of the night with flashbacks. It's times like these I thank God furniture and walls can't speak.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' roll