Spend Your Life Waiting on a Moment That Won't Come

Good summer days should linger, slow, like an Indian Summer, a rariety in Pittsburgh. It's been an unually snowwy and cold winter, and now an unusually hot summer. The heat just slows everyone down to a crawl, forcing people to acknowledge what they've been missing. Last night and the night before I cracked my window, and watched the storm fly by with my friend. Those moments should be endless, the magic of the night sky and silence and darkness at 3 AM eternal.

I'm grateful for every moment of sunshine and the mystery of night. I want to lock this summer away in my mind, the moments both good and bad, and revel in them forever. Maybe things are getting better, or just crazier. Either way, I'm enjoying myself wholeheartedly. Whether I'm making a total fool of myself with my friends, goofing off at the pool, or dancing and singing at the top of my lungs at shows I've begun to realize that these are the moments in movies, minus the great soundtrack and fancy lighting.



These are the moments we'll laugh about when were older. I only hope I have my friends by my side to laugh along.


So don't waste your life waiting for things to happen. Make it happen, make the change. The dreams that you have never die. You have to become content, realize you have enough and make due with what you have, or change it. Such naivite is often broken through adolescence, but even as adults people still lock themselves in cubicles and hope that someone finds their writing onling or Pete Wentz discovers their no-name band on Myspace. Either your the next Panic! at the Disco and go for it, or learn to love what you have. Go take off your shoes, dance in the rain, run through the darkness, let the blood pump freely through your veins, and wear your broken heart on your sleeve to show you've taken that chance to love and be loved. So much wordiness.

I'm full of crap and exhausted at the moment. Shout out to Ms. Feeler who needs to feel better. I think she was infected last night at the fail fireworks.

Song of the Day: Panic! at the Disco "That Green Gentleman" I do miss the Panic! boys as whole, but I've got high hopes for Bren and Spencer. Let's go new album <3

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll

Hold a Smile

It's times like these I'd like to linger in the sunlight. While it's all golden and burning and bright. I'll take a deep breath recollect it all. The memories lock in my mind. The flash of your eyes, the fireflies, the night sky, the innocence, and the impure. They all run together, like the montage that should play at my wedding. My wedding, something that may never happen, or maybe something that should play at my graduation. A quick slideshow, a blur of emotions turn my body abuzz.

And just when I've made peace with this, I just sit across from one week dude's family at a restaurant. It was quite awkward, with my brother and mother next to me, all I could do was bury my head, smile and eat. And text and talk about my friends, the good times we've had. Maybe that's the key. Looking away from what you can't erase, letting it slowly fade in time, and smile. Keep it there against your lips. And eat your nerves and uncomfortable meetings away.

I am happy. I'll take another deep breath. I'll close my eyes. And fill it with the memories that I don't want to erase. So this smile won't be labored. Just resting upon my lips. I like the sound of that. The confidence I've been looking for has been here all along inside of me. I've just got to open my heart to it and live.

Maybe I'm not beauty, but it's alright. The boys still come around. But I can't let what other people say define me anymore. The dirty looks those girls gave across the table. Oh, it's done, over, just life. My appearance, and my soul, will not break the surface of the earth. I will not be a superstar, I will not sing my heart out, I will not be a princess, I will not break millions of barriers, anything's possible-maybe I could with loads of autotune, but I don't care. I've got the love, the heart, the smile. That's what matters. Not how much money you get to spend of your parents, not how many purses you get, not how many karots that diamond is on your hand. It's the love. In the words of Christofer Drew, Love is the weapon for this wounded generation. Love is the only thing that's kept me believing.

So maybe I don't want a man, nor need one, maybe i need reassurance. Reassurance in myself is what seems to drive me crazy. But I've heard it enough, maybe not from the source I'd expect, but I'm going to believe. I'll hold this smile for the world to see. Take me on. And burn me with life. Let this sky never end. The moon never set. The clothes never loosen. The laughs never soften. Your eyes never stop burning. The music never quiet. It just takes some time, I'm in the middle of the ride, everything will be just fine. And yes I did just say that. Wow, I'm a sap.

I survived summer gym. I'm in the best shape ever. Really, I should feel beautiful. I deserve too. Maybe I will. I feel beautiful. That sounds odd....embracing the odd, my children! embrace the odd.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll
Song of the Day: More nevershoutnever. It just fit today. <3

KIss. My. Sass.

So, guess who's single again? Who else other than myself. It felt odd at first, until I realized so much drama has been released. It's like the floor fell out from under me, and I'm free. My body feels shaky, uncontrolled, reckless. It's oddly liberating. This summer, I'm building myself stronger, higher, better. I'll return to that school in late august ready to take on high school wholeheartedly. One week dude was a douche, I knew it, and I don't mind. He's played so many girls, lied to all of them, and then they'd pity hiim, and new relationship. Just some charm and kisses to get some.

I always knew it, and didn't care. But now that it's happened to other girls, oh, I am just a little on the pissed side. Me? Who cares? I've been used and abused, it's not right and will not happen again. Though I can't help but be emotionally attached or more in love with being loved and fawned over whether for a week.

But now, I'm fine. A fire in my sould, confidence, or more a mentality of if you don't like me, oh well, and enough bikinis and pool time to tease and flirt all summer. Oh, don't even try to take me down. I've got my girls, a concert in three days, Adam Lambert hell yes!, and the body I've worked for over 6 months. Oh bootlicious and washboard flat abs. Note to liers, fakes, and douche bags: I don't care. I really don't.

I'm living it up; get out of my way. Going to Ms. Feelers. Win
Peace, Love, Rock n' Roll

Song of the Day:

Think of Me

If my head spilled out onto the table, it would probably be so covered in crap and ridiculous amounts of randomness you'd never be able to clean up the mess.

So I've decided to live with the mess, accept the mess, and hope other people love the mess. So it seems they have. My friends and family love me enough to spend time loving me. And at the moment I'm at peace with this.

Maybe I'm bad for leaving a relationship over seven months, a terrible, slutty, stupid, insecure girl, and then flocking to another guy hours later. The realization of this upset me at first, until I realized it didn't quite matter. I'm enjoying life. I won't make up some tragic story about a broken family, heartbreak, and failing grades. My family is incredible, I'm in another great relationship, and I'm in the honors society.

I rebound quickly, don't I?

I have concluded that I love my friends more than anything else in the world. As crazed, and at times bi-curious, we maybe, we have a hell of a good time doing it. If I've learned anything over the passed seven months, it's that one cannot take life so seriously it becomes a romance novel. I'm young. I'm vibrant. And I've got a little bit of an attitude at the moment because I'm listening to Adam Lambert. Hate me again, I'll try not to care, though I will cry over it internally, but I'll shed it quickly and bounce right back.

How on earth did I get scooped up by another charming guy? Answer; I'm a chronic flirter. I have a serious problem, and I can't control my mouth or thumbs on my keyboard.Do I care if you think I'm trashy? Yes, but I actually like this guy, and I'm enjoying myself too much to let guilt get me down.

Song of the Day: Yes, I listen to Phantom of the Opera and Destiny's Child and Mayday Parade often. But at the moment it's Bootylicious.

Letdown

There's so much I could say, yet I'd rather write a sentence. Seven months of my life spent believing that I was worth it, I knew what I was doing, I was in love, and was loved right back. That's it. So simple, and so stupid, so naiive, so childish, so me. I can't help after four months of being told that you loved me that I was in deep. And then it was never true. But I'd convinced myself I loved you, I was worth it, I was safe; I was happy.

But in then end, I was not. Well, I still feel I love you. Maybe I'm full of shit, maybe I'm crazy, but that's what I feel. And you don't. You won't. You've only liked me less, I've changed, I've been a letdown. So I'm sorry. I'd change in a second to have you love me. I'd erase it all, I'd die in a second to go back, but it would be fake anyway.

So openly, anyone reading this, watched my own happiness build. It's as embarrassing as ever to have believed that I'd found everything. I still haven't. And I doubt there is anyone out there that can care for me like he did. So I'm all over worthless again.

Then, I take a step back and look at the one's who have been waiting for us to end, trying for me. And maybe there will be someone, but no one will ever replace what he's meant, who he is, how he's treated me. There will always be a part of me with him.

And with all this melodrama, I don't blame him, it's none of our faults, it's understandable. He's got a week to prove his care, but I think I've made up my mind. I can't waste my summer in pain. Prayin in vain for a savior to rise from these streets. Song quote yes, just felt like it.

But in all honesty, I'm not as hurt as I'd be if I had to face him every day, the cycle would repeat, he'd pull me in with his sweet talk, and then it would repeat. At least now I've got support from my friends, and sleep, and my writing. Now I have hours to think. If he's reading this, I'll miss you, but don't ever tell me forever or love unless you mean it. I listen and believe that you care for me, cared for me, but we don't have any future. And for your future girl, try for her really hard and mean it. Don't break her and then try to hold on to the pieces.

Song of the Day:
Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll.

I'm in Trouble!

So, how is everyone my invisible little readers? Ms. Feeler has stolen my blog theme and my music. Go say hi to her at c'estsuribon.blogspot.com. Even if no one reads this tis enjoyable. I need to think of something other than finals and how much I'd like to strangle the living breath out of mother natures big green lungs at the moment. She forced me to blow chunks after running the mile. Not attractive

I need to release some creativity. There are little bubbles of creativity being popped every moment by my killer stress! Let's see, geometry test, Daughtry concert tomorrow with my love, violin recital, and finals. Oh joy. Mostly, i want to finish Runs in the Family. I plan on posting it somwhere to attract anyform of reader. So please, head over and read it. Just do it. Now.

The last week, however, proved that this year has been the best ever. The friends I've made, the times we've had, the life I've lead, well I couldn't be happier. Sometimes I want to smile so hard my cheeks hurt and my eyes burn, and my nose shines. Today and mother nature aside, I've never been happier. Without mon copain and him just being his epicly amazing self and my beloved girls, Feeler and Love, I don't quite know where I'd be.

There have been bitchy girls, bitchier guys, nasty comments, hurt, jealousy, abuse, and a whole lotta drama. But I've found my place, love my place, and hope that it stays this way. The future is a massive blind spot that I can't help see around, but as long as I have someone to guide me through, I'll be able to see just fine.

Not to mention the epicness of Bamboozle in June, Adam Lambert in July, and the array of friends' pools I can hide away in, this summer shall be fun. My goals (I actually have goals? Overachieve much?) are to finish my novel, hang out with my friends, sleep, workout, look delicious in a bikini(I'm failing momentarily), and live through summer gym. Yes, that sounds fun.

So my message to you is find that someone who really cares about you, love them back, and have a fan-fuckin-tastic time doing it. Peace, love, and Rock n' roll.

Song of the Day: Happy. Never Shout Never. I have so much Summer Music to put here I could explode.

Take a Bite of my Heart Tonight.

Long time no write, I know, I know. My excuse: The homework/school dino ate my face for a good three weeks.

Anyway, I just read over my old posts thanks to a certain reader of mine reminding me of how creepy I sound sometimes. I realized that I've described myself to be some creeper weird ugly fail, which is pretty much an okay description, but, yeah, I'm not like that all the time. At some points I might actually have redeeming qualities. It all depends on the person you ask, which depends on perspective.

Perspective is huge part of life. Taking a step in someone else's shoes can change entire outlook on one's life. I see it in politics, school, relationships, family ordeals, wars, hatred, conflicts of any sort. With an open mind the world is beautiful place. What I'm trying to say is that if someone else were to judge me they will probably perceive differently than I perceive myself. Lately, though, I've been off the self analysis stuff and am focusing more on more important topics.

Such as how much I like food, future plans, and dresses. I passed up a $560 Italian designer dress at Nordstrom's last week. I actually thought that I looked amazing for the first time in my life in that dress. It fit like a glove and showed everything off right. Problem: it wasn't the right fit for a daytime ceremony or dance and was a little over our budget for 8th grade graduation dresses. Obviously. But I did dress at White House Black Market and Pacsun. I'd show the gorgeously amazing WHBM dresses but their website is being a fail. And mon copain doesn't want to see my dresses yet. He wants to be surprised.

In music news, I love the new Motion City Soundtrack stuff and Neon Trees and the Temper Trap. And the new TYV(the young veins) song. But every time I listen to them there's a surge of Ryan Ross annoyance anger that overtakes me and I end up writing songs about cheating men and musicians and BLAH. It doesn't end well. If anyone has contact with the Panic boys, please inform them that we're all kinda dying for info on the new album. I don't want them to rush the process but at least update on the status of it would be nice. I'm beginning to think that Spencer and Brendon are struggling writing songs without Ryan or Jon, but I can't doubt them. Not after the epicness of the "Oh Glory" song clip. What an epic flail worthy thirty seconds.

In drama news, things are as usual. Random ass grabs/slaps in the halls, the random comments out of nowhere, staring. Creepers as always. I'm glad that my friends are beginning to get first boyfriends and kisses and hugs. Their happiness is lovely. Everyone is starting to find a little bit of peace and confidence I hope. They all deserve it. That entire last passage sounded like kittens and fairies and sugar, but in retrospect, all is well.

LAX game for thy brother tomorrow early(my dad's the boy's lacrosse president for our district so we have to go to all the games) Joy.

Song of the Day: I love these lyrics. Not the song of my life atm, but just right.
Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll