Think of Me

If my head spilled out onto the table, it would probably be so covered in crap and ridiculous amounts of randomness you'd never be able to clean up the mess.

So I've decided to live with the mess, accept the mess, and hope other people love the mess. So it seems they have. My friends and family love me enough to spend time loving me. And at the moment I'm at peace with this.

Maybe I'm bad for leaving a relationship over seven months, a terrible, slutty, stupid, insecure girl, and then flocking to another guy hours later. The realization of this upset me at first, until I realized it didn't quite matter. I'm enjoying life. I won't make up some tragic story about a broken family, heartbreak, and failing grades. My family is incredible, I'm in another great relationship, and I'm in the honors society.

I rebound quickly, don't I?

I have concluded that I love my friends more than anything else in the world. As crazed, and at times bi-curious, we maybe, we have a hell of a good time doing it. If I've learned anything over the passed seven months, it's that one cannot take life so seriously it becomes a romance novel. I'm young. I'm vibrant. And I've got a little bit of an attitude at the moment because I'm listening to Adam Lambert. Hate me again, I'll try not to care, though I will cry over it internally, but I'll shed it quickly and bounce right back.

How on earth did I get scooped up by another charming guy? Answer; I'm a chronic flirter. I have a serious problem, and I can't control my mouth or thumbs on my keyboard.Do I care if you think I'm trashy? Yes, but I actually like this guy, and I'm enjoying myself too much to let guilt get me down.

Song of the Day: Yes, I listen to Phantom of the Opera and Destiny's Child and Mayday Parade often. But at the moment it's Bootylicious.

Letdown

There's so much I could say, yet I'd rather write a sentence. Seven months of my life spent believing that I was worth it, I knew what I was doing, I was in love, and was loved right back. That's it. So simple, and so stupid, so naiive, so childish, so me. I can't help after four months of being told that you loved me that I was in deep. And then it was never true. But I'd convinced myself I loved you, I was worth it, I was safe; I was happy.

But in then end, I was not. Well, I still feel I love you. Maybe I'm full of shit, maybe I'm crazy, but that's what I feel. And you don't. You won't. You've only liked me less, I've changed, I've been a letdown. So I'm sorry. I'd change in a second to have you love me. I'd erase it all, I'd die in a second to go back, but it would be fake anyway.

So openly, anyone reading this, watched my own happiness build. It's as embarrassing as ever to have believed that I'd found everything. I still haven't. And I doubt there is anyone out there that can care for me like he did. So I'm all over worthless again.

Then, I take a step back and look at the one's who have been waiting for us to end, trying for me. And maybe there will be someone, but no one will ever replace what he's meant, who he is, how he's treated me. There will always be a part of me with him.

And with all this melodrama, I don't blame him, it's none of our faults, it's understandable. He's got a week to prove his care, but I think I've made up my mind. I can't waste my summer in pain. Prayin in vain for a savior to rise from these streets. Song quote yes, just felt like it.

But in all honesty, I'm not as hurt as I'd be if I had to face him every day, the cycle would repeat, he'd pull me in with his sweet talk, and then it would repeat. At least now I've got support from my friends, and sleep, and my writing. Now I have hours to think. If he's reading this, I'll miss you, but don't ever tell me forever or love unless you mean it. I listen and believe that you care for me, cared for me, but we don't have any future. And for your future girl, try for her really hard and mean it. Don't break her and then try to hold on to the pieces.

Song of the Day:
Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll.

I'm in Trouble!

So, how is everyone my invisible little readers? Ms. Feeler has stolen my blog theme and my music. Go say hi to her at c'estsuribon.blogspot.com. Even if no one reads this tis enjoyable. I need to think of something other than finals and how much I'd like to strangle the living breath out of mother natures big green lungs at the moment. She forced me to blow chunks after running the mile. Not attractive

I need to release some creativity. There are little bubbles of creativity being popped every moment by my killer stress! Let's see, geometry test, Daughtry concert tomorrow with my love, violin recital, and finals. Oh joy. Mostly, i want to finish Runs in the Family. I plan on posting it somwhere to attract anyform of reader. So please, head over and read it. Just do it. Now.

The last week, however, proved that this year has been the best ever. The friends I've made, the times we've had, the life I've lead, well I couldn't be happier. Sometimes I want to smile so hard my cheeks hurt and my eyes burn, and my nose shines. Today and mother nature aside, I've never been happier. Without mon copain and him just being his epicly amazing self and my beloved girls, Feeler and Love, I don't quite know where I'd be.

There have been bitchy girls, bitchier guys, nasty comments, hurt, jealousy, abuse, and a whole lotta drama. But I've found my place, love my place, and hope that it stays this way. The future is a massive blind spot that I can't help see around, but as long as I have someone to guide me through, I'll be able to see just fine.

Not to mention the epicness of Bamboozle in June, Adam Lambert in July, and the array of friends' pools I can hide away in, this summer shall be fun. My goals (I actually have goals? Overachieve much?) are to finish my novel, hang out with my friends, sleep, workout, look delicious in a bikini(I'm failing momentarily), and live through summer gym. Yes, that sounds fun.

So my message to you is find that someone who really cares about you, love them back, and have a fan-fuckin-tastic time doing it. Peace, love, and Rock n' roll.

Song of the Day: Happy. Never Shout Never. I have so much Summer Music to put here I could explode.

Take a Bite of my Heart Tonight.

Long time no write, I know, I know. My excuse: The homework/school dino ate my face for a good three weeks.

Anyway, I just read over my old posts thanks to a certain reader of mine reminding me of how creepy I sound sometimes. I realized that I've described myself to be some creeper weird ugly fail, which is pretty much an okay description, but, yeah, I'm not like that all the time. At some points I might actually have redeeming qualities. It all depends on the person you ask, which depends on perspective.

Perspective is huge part of life. Taking a step in someone else's shoes can change entire outlook on one's life. I see it in politics, school, relationships, family ordeals, wars, hatred, conflicts of any sort. With an open mind the world is beautiful place. What I'm trying to say is that if someone else were to judge me they will probably perceive differently than I perceive myself. Lately, though, I've been off the self analysis stuff and am focusing more on more important topics.

Such as how much I like food, future plans, and dresses. I passed up a $560 Italian designer dress at Nordstrom's last week. I actually thought that I looked amazing for the first time in my life in that dress. It fit like a glove and showed everything off right. Problem: it wasn't the right fit for a daytime ceremony or dance and was a little over our budget for 8th grade graduation dresses. Obviously. But I did dress at White House Black Market and Pacsun. I'd show the gorgeously amazing WHBM dresses but their website is being a fail. And mon copain doesn't want to see my dresses yet. He wants to be surprised.

In music news, I love the new Motion City Soundtrack stuff and Neon Trees and the Temper Trap. And the new TYV(the young veins) song. But every time I listen to them there's a surge of Ryan Ross annoyance anger that overtakes me and I end up writing songs about cheating men and musicians and BLAH. It doesn't end well. If anyone has contact with the Panic boys, please inform them that we're all kinda dying for info on the new album. I don't want them to rush the process but at least update on the status of it would be nice. I'm beginning to think that Spencer and Brendon are struggling writing songs without Ryan or Jon, but I can't doubt them. Not after the epicness of the "Oh Glory" song clip. What an epic flail worthy thirty seconds.

In drama news, things are as usual. Random ass grabs/slaps in the halls, the random comments out of nowhere, staring. Creepers as always. I'm glad that my friends are beginning to get first boyfriends and kisses and hugs. Their happiness is lovely. Everyone is starting to find a little bit of peace and confidence I hope. They all deserve it. That entire last passage sounded like kittens and fairies and sugar, but in retrospect, all is well.

LAX game for thy brother tomorrow early(my dad's the boy's lacrosse president for our district so we have to go to all the games) Joy.

Song of the Day: I love these lyrics. Not the song of my life atm, but just right.
Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll

Off the Tracks.

I'll help you break the walls down

The snow seems to have cancelled my entire weekend. I spent all of last week stressing about this weekend. I had a music festival to reherse for on Friday, which was about 8 hours straight of violin playing. It doesn't sound nearly as bad as your back feels after sitting washboard straight up on the very edge of your chair. I woke up and went to festival, stressed about the audition, auditioned, failed, got sixteenth chair out of 24, and practiced, ate lunch, and then found out that the concert the next day was cancelled due to the.....wait for it.....not yet.....

SNOWPOCALYPSE!

. So we practiced another two hours for no reason whatsoever, and I sat down next to the most emotionless player ever! Not even an ounce of whole not vibrato. That pisses me off. Even though I sucked at the fast song, I still didn't play like a robot.Then, I walked outside and the other violinist and I were blinded by snow it was coming down so hard. You couldn't even see. So I walked in front of a short bus and was almost run over. Highlight of my day: almost getting killed by a short bus. After that my orchestra teacher drove the other two representatives from my school district(I was selected or something for this) home. The snow had already started to fall, and in an hour, all hell broke lose.

The drive back to my middle school, which usually only took 15 minutes, took about 45minutes. By this time, the epicness of SNOWPOCALYPSE had only begun. I was supposed to go straight to a party after this. It was one of my girls birthdays. But instead the snow got so intense nobody's parents were willing to drive them, so it got postponed. Epic fail. There goes my friday night. And my concert. So I spent the evening trying on my new sexy dress. It's completely tiered in tiny layers and body hugging. Thank god I started working out. I have abs, my love handles are almost completely gone, and my butt is just getting better. It just continued to snow. By the time my dad got home, there was already about 5 inches on the ground. The weather lady kept saying we'd get 8 inches at the most. Something told me that was wrong. Our cul-de-sac still went unplowed. So basically people just slid down the hill and sure as hell weren't getting up it.

When I woke up Saturday morning, I looked out my window and saw nothing but a wall of snow. Legit. There was a massive pile of snow on the window. Kids were sledding down the street and jumping into six foot high snow banks. And all you could hear was the sound of choking snow blowers(control your mind with that one) and squealing tires stuck in 20 inches of snow. 8 inches I think not. A small dog would be swallowed whole by the snow beast, and all you would see of Snooki would be her hair, teased high atop her her head. The newcasters had completely gone insane. EMERGENCY! DISASTER! COLD! DEATH! So la famille was supposed to go to a party in Ohio for a cousin of ours who came home from Afganistan. But the SNOWPOCALYPSE eclipsed that. I spent the entire day watching movies and tv. Scrubs, baseball movie(I don't remember the name because I was sleeping most of the time), Yes Man, 500 Days of Summer, Mean Girls, and Baby Mama. I had seen enough Zooey Deschenal quirkiness and Lindsay Lohan in one day. I love Zooey though. Not so much the same with Lindsay.

Then, I had an overacheivers anonymous meeting today, and couldn't go because the driveway is still covered in 20 inches of snow. And still I have to go to my cousin's birthday party. I'm really hoping SNOPOCALYPSE doesn't ruin that. On the upside it did get school cancelled tomorrow. That pretty much made my weekend. In conclusion, SNOWPOCALYPSE didn't trap us for weeks, cut out our power, freeze us to death, eat us with giant snow men, or kill the entire mid-Atlantic region. It just ruined my weekend.

On a side note, mon copain hasn't texted me in four days...he's kinda missing...I'm worrying...and really miss him....I hope he's reading this and feeling guilty. Just kidding. But, seriously, someone find him!

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll

Song of the Day:

The Tale of the Orange Pedo Man!

Last Friday I was in Walmart with my mom after dinner with my friends. It was around 8:30, not too late but dark enough that it was slightly creepy. School was cancelled due to the snow, there was a snow back that was considerably taller than I(snow bank pwn)in the parking lot and I was in a fantastic mood. I was singing and dancing through the aisles, annoying the hell out of my mom. And then, it began to remind me of the DesandNate 9 and 1/2 video.

Walmaart gets creepy after about 7:00. No idea why, but there weren't alot of people there whatsoever. Our walmart is usually so crowded people ram into each other's carts, cause soup avalanches, and are generally in an awful mood. The awful mood was still in place, and my oddly spastic mood didn't quite fit, thus I got strange looks. I turned down an aisle, pushing the cart, in search of hot cocoa mix. In my mind I was picking stuff out that reminded me of DesandNate. Suddenly, a man turned into the aisle with a Hitler mustache. I almost laughed out loud. Guns don't kill people, people with mustaches do! I thought practically nothing of the man, and kept shopping.
PEDO HORSE(is a friend of mr. mustachio)
My mum had her usual check out line picking fail, and we ended up behind a family of screaming toddlers, checking out enough food to feed the Steelers. Legit. I stood in line, texting and making fun of Kate Goselin's extensions. But then I decided to turn around and right next to a massive bin of oranges was the Htiler mustachio man staring right at me. Mr. Mustachio we shall call him.

Dun, dun, dun!

I'm not usually one to freak out about this stuff. I've been perved on before and I've grown accustomed to ignoring it, or simply thinking that I imagined it. But this man gave the absolute creeps. He didn't move, just stand next to the oranges and stare at me. What was he doing? Did I know him? Why is he just standing there? I could not figure it out. When I turned around a second time, his back was to mine. I shrugged him off. Then, about three minutes later I turned around once more, and Mr. Mustachio was looking straight at me. I averted my gaze and began to get a little freaked out. This turn around, turn back around pattern continued for about ten minutes, while the family was checking out hoards of milk and poptarts. Finally, I whispered to my mother that there was a man with a sinister mustache staring at me. She thought initially that I was being imaginative, until she turned around and caught him looking at me. She gave me a mom look and hid me behind a rack of magazines. Every once in a while I'd turn around, and there he was, staring right back at me.

I was really starting to shake.

And then, he walked by, with his eyes transfixed on me, and stood in the checkout line next to us. From there he just kept staring. I quickly grabbed a few plastic bags and speed walked out of the store. I was sure I was going to be molested or something. By the time we got in the car, my heart was racing and I was shaking. I'd never felt so creeped out. Note to everyone else, if you see a hitler mustached pedo, run for your life!

Song of the Day: I can totally play the violin solo.

Peace, love, and Rock n' roll!

Hope this is the last time.

It's about time that we tackle the issue of CREEPERS. Many women are strucken by the disease which can be known as fly paper or simply creeper prone. They can range from the one's who walk with you every once in a while, talk to you obsessively, text you every moment of the day, or legitimattly stalk you. Over the years I have had each one of these happen to me. Alot, too. It's quite difficult to sort out the good from the bad, well, sometimes it's just obvious, but sometimes it can be tricky. I'm seriously annoyed it all. I'm not one to get angry or eastily annoyed, at worst I'm just sullen. But this is beginning to get to me.

In some ways it's flattering that kids ask you for pictures, not the kind with turtle neck sweaters, in a very sick, creepish way. But mostly it's just sick and creepy. In years past I really haven't cared. At all. I don't believe when they compliment me, most of it is totally bs so they can convince me to send them a picture. I do not have the best body in the school or will ever be the hottest chick you've ever met. Don't try it.

Also, I've learned some things that I really never wanted to no. Personally, I always liked highlighters because they make neon colors. But yesterday they were totally ruined for me. There is one sitting to my left, and I'm making a face at it as I type. If you really want the full story on this just ask, though I warn you not to. But in retrospect I probably knew alot of this before, just from paying attention to my enviornment, but really, I did like highlighters. Sadface.

The most difficult part to this whole drama is responding to these perverted comments/questions. No one ever teaches you how the hell to come up with an excuse to why not to send nude pictures to someone. Ever. Other than the obvious no, I've seriously had to put on my thinking cap to create some new excuses. But thankfully I'm not single, so that's the biggest fail of other people hitting on me. I'm not going to suddenly leave mon copain for you! Sorry, but it ain't happenin'. Get over it. If you're not with me, please get away from me.

I'm so done with this! And if anyone else happens to stumble upon this and can empathize and/or need advice feel free to comment!

Peace, Love, and Rock n' roll.